To the many Americans who believe that the Democrats represent the dissident left in the U.S., Pinter’s speech may sound semi-insane. Here is a man announcing before the Swedish Academy that the United States “supported and in many cases engendered every right wing military dictatorship in the world after the end of the Second World War,” that the Iraq invasion was a “bandit act, an act of blatant state terrorism” and that the “crimes of the United States have been systematic, constant, vicious, [and] remorseless.”

Now one thing you realize once you move out of the United States is that such attitudes are not fringe beliefs. At least in Cyprus, few would contest the claim that the U.S. invaded Iraq to gain control over the oil reserves and to consolidate power in the region; and Cypriots—who have experienced their share of real security threats—find the notion that Iraq posed a threat to the superpower a comic piece of absurdity. In fact, it is so widely accepted that, beneath the missionary façade, the U.S. is purely in the business of empire-building and profiteering that it is as blasé to mention as a Bush joke.

But although many of the foreign policy illusions that prevail in the U.S. due to the scope and sophistication of its domestic propaganda system do not exist in Cyprus, the island is rife with other illusions about America.

One illusion is that the U.S. is a police state that silences dissenters. It is common, especially among Europeans, to scoff at the claim that the U.S. is a free and open society. This is usually because they define “free” or “open” in some vague non-political sense meaning “liberated from fears and psychological fetters” or “expressive.” But an open society does not refer to whether or not its citizens take an untamed laissez faire approach to life or whether they gesticulate and yell at each other when they argue. It has to do with whether or not they have the political freedom (regardless of how much it is exercised) to say things distasteful to the ruling class without getting chucked into jail or shot in the back of the neck while in bed.

Despite the recent curtailment of civil liberties, which includes the shameful World War II style internment of Arab-Americans, the US is not a police state. The US government has not incarcerated Michael Moore for presenting Bush as an inept buffoon in Fahrenheit 911, nor has the FBI assassinated Noam Chomsky for his relentless analytic assault and condemnation of the nation’s leadership and policies, something that in other countries would have landed him prison time or a rendezvous with the chopping block.

In the U.S., as elsewhere, unacceptable views may lead to your losing your job or being ignored by the mass media but you will not be deprived of life and liberty. There are exceptions—especially if you represent a movement that threatens the economic order of the society as with Black Panther leader Fred Hampton—but considering that the mere publication of a racist cartoon in a Danish newspaper can prompt killings and mass riots in other countries or that a novelist can be tried for the crime of ‘insulting Turkish identity’ after making a few statements about Armenians and Kurds, the freedom of speech that Americans won through popular struggle should not be glossed over.

Another claim, although more fashionable in mainland European circles than in Cyprus, is that “Americans are dumb,” a phrase that often tempts me to reciprocate in sentiment by hanging an American flag, along with my naked behind, out of my window. Such clairvoyant proclamations about the intellectual capacity of 300 million people generally come from people who have never been to the U.S. and who are merely swallowing and regurgitating trendy drivel. But the hare-brained insult, which is often followed by “because they voted for Bush” does also reflect the incredulity at how around half of American voters could have chosen George W. Bush—for the second time—as their president.

But what is often unrecognized, and what you can only understand if you live in the U.S., is that without the gutter media to terrify the American public into thinking that it was under a grave threat that could only be warded off by a strong, capable, no-nonsense war leader—which of course Bush was portrayed as—the emperor without clothes would never have been elected.

Other bits of fantasy that I have heard is that Bush is working with Bin Laden, who is “probably living in luxury in America,” and that Kofi Annan takes direct orders from Washington. Though nowhere near as absurd as the Bin Laden claim, the notion that the U.N. is no more than the U.S. dressed up in international drag is untrue, which is precisely why Bush and the moneyed class he works for are so hostile to the U.N.

Despite the occasional loutish remark, people in Cyprus do not generally dislike Americans. In fact, due to the great distance between the U.S. and Cyprus, Americans are something of a rarity and a welcome curiosity on the island. There is an aura of mystique about the U.S., which has something to do with the land of prosperity myth and Hollywood, which gives the impression that the U.S. is full of car chases, gun fights, slinky babes and unending thrill.

And Cypriots, who are increasingly under the impression that the world fashion capital is Nicosia, bear none of that hypocritical scorn towards American consumerism that is so common elsewhere by people who—if only given the opportunity—would unabashedly commit themselves to a gas-guzzling, fashion-frenzied, gadget-buying existence.

The American language and accent, which is a novelty due to the British prevalence on the island, is also popular among Cypriots, who love to bandy words like “fuzzbuster” and “weedwacker” and imitate the swaggering thickjawed “how ya doin’ partner’ American who has never existed outside of old Hollywood westerns.

There is also a perception on the island—mostly on part of the island’s British population, who as a people understand better than anyone about the decline of empires—that Americans lack cynicism and jadedness. Americans are seen as over-optimistic, over-self confident, and always ready to promote themselves with their stack of business cards and I-can-do-anything attitude, something that to the British community seems at once naïve, refreshing and silly.

Although such perceptions are often formed after meeting Americans, they are almost exclusively the result of meeting middle to upper class Americans who have the economic liberty to travel and the gungho attitude that goes with it. But due to the economic and social system of the U.S., which is correctly seen by Europeans as scandalous for a nation of such wealth, a large number of Americans who have it rough will never be seen and therefore never represented or reflected in the perceptions of ‘the Americans.’ When most of the world thinks of America they imagine lavish film sets, immaculate bombers, pearly-toothed entrepreneurs, and of course a strutting George Bush, but they do not see the vast groaning underworld that stands like a mute Atlas beneath it all.

It is this America—the unseen America that in all its dizzying array can be found in the Appalachian hills and New England mill towns and isolated Native American reservations and ailing Midwestern farms and ghettos of Chicago—that makes the U.S. an infinitely more complex and interesting place than the one-liners it is often reduced to.

Only when this invisible America is recognized and considered will one be able to say anything about ‘the Americans’ without sounding like a parrot in a cage.

‘The Anglo-American Conspiracy’

Among Greek Cypriots you learn quickly that there is this evil cloud looming over Cyprus called the ‘Anglo-American conspiracy.’ It amounts to something like this: the U.S. and Britain are perpetually plotting to undermine Cyprus by keeping the island divided or by handing it over to Turkey.

There is no denying that the U.S. and former colonial master Britain have played a dirty role in Cyprus. It is also no secret that the U.S. (and by extension Britain) is on chummy terms with Turkey, as it is with the other two major recipients of US military aid in the region, Israel and Egypt. But while an Iraqi might justifiably talk about an ‘Anglo-American conspiracy,’ references to any such present conspiracy regarding Cyprus smacks of a government smokescreen.

Foreign conspiracies, like foreign threats, are excellent for the ruling class, because it allows them to pawn off on a distant group of schemers the miserable bog into which they themselves have herded the country. The public is more apt to huddle under the willing wing of a so-called strong leader if it seems like the great powers are conniving to ruin their lives.

Although the longer one stays in Cyprus, the more compelling the Cypriocentric worldview becomes [the sun and planets revolve around Cyprus], one realizes upon leaving the island that perhaps Galileo was right after all. It turns out that Cyprus is not the top foreign policy priority for Britain and the U.S., which are presently too busy causing havoc elsewhere to be as dedicated to subverting the Cyprus Republic as many believe.

It is true that Britain, which has two bases in Cyprus, would oppose any reunification plan requiring that they pack up their bases and go. But an ‘Anglo-American conspiracy’ in Cyprus, while perhaps defensible three or four decades ago, has now merely become, as a friend recently called it, the ‘caramel of the politicians.’

A recent example of how the Cyprus government invoked the ‘Anglo-American conspiracy’ was when the Cyprus government accused the U.S. of funding the ‘yes’ vote to the Annan Plan through the United Nations Development Organization UNOPS. A chain of bad journalism resulted in a report that the U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher had admitted that the U.S. possessed a secret list of Cypriots on both sides of the Green Line whom it had bribed to support the Annan Plan.

This ‘report,’ which the journalist Makarios Droushiotis would later expose as an utter falsehood, was enthusiastically picked up by the Greek Cypriot media and politicians, who then began an ugly smear campaign against these “paid agents of the Americans,” among whom were a veterinary services director, a headmistress and a girl scouts coordinator. The subversive programs being funded with millions of dollars meanwhile included cancer and Alzheimer’s research, assistance for dyslexics, waste management, and a shady conspiracy to protect the sea turtle.

Something similar happened in the U.S. media just before the Gulf War when a weeping 15-year old Kuwaiti girl, whose identity was being withheld allegedly to protect her family in Kuwait, testified that she witnessed Iraqi soldiers ripping newborn Kuwaiti babies out of incubators and leaving them on the cold floor to die. The testimony was reported as fact. As a result, numerous Americans who had been opposed to any invasion of Iraq suddenly favored an invasion, outraged at the grotesque inhumanity of the Iraqi soldiers. Only later, through the efforts of a Canadian journalist and the Harper’s magazine publisher, was it discovered that the young woman who had testified was the daughter of the Kuwaiti ambassador to the United States.

On a Cyprus-related chat site someone recently claimed that the Cyprus Mail—the newspaper I write for—is “funded by the Americans.” Presumably he said this because the newspaper is not a government mouthpiece, which for him implies it is part of the Anglo-American conspiracy. The logic is the same as the well known “either you are with us or you are with the terrorists.” The only difference is that in one you have a neat universe of good guys and terrorists, and in the other of good guys and paid agents.

In Cyprus there has been no solution to the division for so many decades partly because any reunification would require a shift of power and those in power who have congealed their public persona based on the division do not want to lose their authority. Without the Cyprus problem to solemnly orate about, they would also face the added burden of having to write fresh speeches. So the best way for them to ensure that nothing changes under the sun is to blame everyone and perpetually play the embattled victim.

The victim mentality is strong in Cyprus and wins a lot of sympathy, in part because the history of the strategically situated island of Cyprus is indeed one of endless invasion and occupation. Like the petty officer’s daughter who grew up in the barracks, everyone wants in on the action. But the ‘rape of Cyprus’ can also be invoked as a crutch to thwart self-critique. And one begins to detect a touch of insularity and self-pity after repeatedly hearing to a chorus of sighs that Cypriots “suffer the most in all of Europe” or “are the unluckiest people in the world,” especially when at the same moment a Filipino ‘domestic assistant’ is scrubbing the kitchen counter.

Cypriots have been indeed been victims of outside powers and the conflict on the island that culminated in a coup and invasion was largely due to the machinations of the three guarantor powers—Britain, Greece, and Turkey—who under the approving gaze of the United States have in sum managed to guarantee nothing but inaction, ethnic violence and perpetual occupation.

But Cypriots have also been victims of another group, one that opposes unification of the island but has nothing to do with an ‘Anglo-American conspiracy.’ It has to do with leaders who do not want to give up their political clout and with real estate developers who, pound signs in their eyes, fear a drop in value of their booming southern coastline properties or, north of the Green Line, the loss of their phony title deeds.

And Cypriots have increasingly become victims of a subtler adversary but perhaps the most dangerous one in the long run: the defeatist victim-mindset that has become the standard conception of Cypriot identity.  The result is a perpetual state of follow-the-leader inaction which—Anglo-American conspiracy or not—only guarantees more domination and less real sovereignty.

Constantine Markides

By appending this piece I am cheating doubly: first, I wrote it three or four years ago, and second, it is not an essay. But since we are in a new year and there may still be some lingering goodwill and laxity left over from the shopping season, I assume there is no better time to play my “get out of jail free” card. And best to start the year on a bad foot so that the rest of the year has a better chance of looking up.

That said, though You Better Not Cry is no essay, it cannot really be considered fiction either. Fiction demands that every person and perspective gets a fair hearing, and it is best approached without preconceptions and polemics. This piece, however, is no more than a political rant in jocular guise, a spray of anti-corporate propaganda composed in an atmosphere of ludicrous invective that takes every cheap shot possible and runs with every easy stereotype at hand. It is crass in its approach, hyperbolic, contemptuous, dismissive, and under close examination full of cheap tricks and dodgy ploys worthy of a second-rate magician. For this reason, it may in the end be more in line with my character than I care to admit and so I include it here without qualms.

_________

You Better Not Cry

CHILDREN around the world wept on December 22 after a North Pole press release confirmed that Santa Claus would not be delivering presents on Christmas Eve. Santa’s much anticipated visits may in fact be postponed for another three to five years due to a recent structural adjustment program that promises to give a needed economic facelift to the remote and isolated regions of the polar north. With the November 4 passage of the FTANP (Free Trade Area of the North Pole) Claus and economic leaders are paving the way for a productive new future integrating the North Pole into the global economy.

As the passage of FTANP preceded elections, there was little media coverage; the terms of the agreement remain unknown to most people and were conducted in private, but C. Chrissy, one of the negotiators and a respected luncheon speaker, assures the public that “these agreements guarantee unrestricted movement of important goods and services, secure certainty and transparency for investors, and ensure that well-meaning but ill-informed social planners or communist flotsam left over from the Soviet era do not interfere with market forces by propping up barriers to trade that hinder the pursuit of private gain, which is such a vital condition to a vibrant economy.”

Transnational corporations have not failed to capitulate on this opportunity. Mikee has already moved its factories from Indonesia to the North Pole, where labor is available at lower costs. It is hoped this will lessen the headaches caused by disruptive anti-sweatshop groups back in the US who protest that Mikee has been “complicit” with a “brutal regime.”

“These elves are fantastic shoe makers,” said a delighted Mikee spokesman, who then praised the workers for their “nimble little hands.” Because the newly formed state of the North Pole has yet to establish a treasury, the elves are presently being compensated with a monthly pair of new sneakers, a privilege previously unheard of in the backward polar north. Every pair is individualized by a fortuitous and unique color-blemish, a symbol of Mikee’s ethos of creative spontaneity and appreciation for diversity among its workers.

“Of course, when a monetary system is introduced we will compensate at pay rates appropriate to the region,” the Mikee spokesman continued. “But the elves may opt to stay with their current compensation plan. After all, few work forces are guaranteed a steady supply of clean, comfortable sneakers. Many children around the world die because of diseases that afflict their bare feet. But not our workers.”

Critics of Mikee argue that the increased military presence in the North Pole since the passage of the FTANP reveals the ground realities of the free trade agreement and is transforming the once peaceful North Pole into a police state. But Chrissy disagrees:

“This is a security force whose sole mission is to ensure regional stability and prevent unruly elements from disrupting the modernization process. These men have been trained on American soil at S.O.P [School of the Poles], newly opened in Fort Lemmings, Georgia. I should note that, aside from professional training in counterinsurgency techniques and stabilization tactics, their training also included a four-hour human rights and religion course on praying for the salvation of victims’ souls before summary executions.”

Pleased local North Pole workers corroborated Chrissy’s optimistic claims. Escorted by two smartly dressed security officers fresh from S.O.P training, one elf left the Mikee factory line to share his feelings. “I love FTANP and Mikee … I love FTANP and Mikee,” he said, trembling and practically speechless in apparent gratification at the new work opportunities.

The new labor force in the North Pole puts pressure on unions worldwide to abate their incessant demands. Unions are unhappy with the new FTANP, claiming that they must now operate under the company threat that production could shift to the North Pole. They are also concerned with changing workplace conditions. According to official sources, one African-American union worker who drives a Cadillac said FTANP “sucks” because he would now “have to work harder.”

But the arrangement pleases thrifty corporate leaders, who are quick to note the advantages offered by the virgin North Pole territory. “After shifting production from Mexico—with its steep minimum wage rates of $3.40/day—to Guatemala and Haiti, it was believed this would be the end of the line for us,” said a corporate spokesman preferring anonymity. “But as my boss says, success comes to the go-getter with one eye on the market and the other on the pocketbook. We are now considering relocating to the North Pole. This is a great victory for free trade and democracy.”

Rich in marine plants unique to the polar caps, the North Pole has also attracted a group of ambitious ‘bio-prospectors.’ Monstrousanto has taken the lead in this modern-day repeat of the gold rush, though this time not for gold but for plants that can expand the limits of food production and medicine. Bio-prospecting benefits the public by globalizing the valuable plants once enjoyed solely by the privileged few of the locale. While most elves agree it is good to share and help the needy, there are some who are angry that bio-prospectors are profiting off their land by “stealing indigenous knowledge.”

Manager of patent rights at Monstrousanto Rob Dairland concedes that bio-prospecting is motivated by profit, but that seems to him poor grounds for criticism: “A local grocery store that provides food for the neighborhood also operates on profit principles. Does this mean they should be shut down? Of course not. The profit-motivator is precisely what begets these utilitarian outcomes.”

As for the critics who claim Monstrousanto is “stealing” resources, Dairland asked what right these elves had in claiming ownership to the North Pole at large, pointing to the Native American tradition in the US that “was founded on an ethic of sharing the land.” Dairland did note, however, that there was “a clear point at which a collective good could be transformed into a private one by applying willful creative design and technological innovation to the good in question.”

Another accusation, namely that Monstrousanto unfairly demands ‘protectionist measures’ for public goods, visibly distressed Dairland. Kneading his forehead, he said it was a constant battle to fend off such slander. “This is absurd. If you write a novel, do I have the right to put my name on your novel? Of course not. The same rules apply to these plant extracts. These plants can help sick people. And as long as there is a way to help the sick, we will do whatever is necessary. We believe there is hope. We believe in hope.”

With temperatures often plummeting to 80 below zero, farming has never been an easy task in the North Pole. A $500 million food aid package headed by FTANP humanitarian coordinator Aikaire Furyoo now guarantees food to the local elf population. Acting like a Santa Claus, the meatpacking giant Urchin Daniels Hindland has taken on the contract and the initiative to cheer the barren land by supplying the neglected and deprived elves with sustenance crops like rice, corn and soybean. The move has led to the nomination of Furyoo for the newly created UDH Ending World Hunger Award.

A few elves, the vocal minority, criticize the new food aid effort, arguing that it undermines the traditional cold-climate farming practices that have successfully fed the elven population for millennia. In their view, the subsidized crop imports are “unfair” and “coercive.” They claim that the elf farmers, no longer able to participate in the barter system, are losing their land to Urchin Daniels Hindland, which then converts the property to reindeer farms and processing plants.

But Furyoo, unlike the disgruntled elves, sees Hindland’s polar land acquisitions as beneficial to the North Pole peoples. “One must bear in mind that not only are we providing the North Pole with a steady and dependable stream of food stuffs but we are also building an infrastructure that enables the elf tribes to exploit their previously unappreciated resources. The succulent reindeer meat has exploded as the premiere gourmet meat on the world market and will bring needed revenue to this long-ignored region. It also serves as crucial advertising to put the North Pole on the traveler’s map. One can imagine the benefits of establishing a vibrant tourism trade here. In this light, objections to our efforts are, frankly, astounding.”

Unwilling to contemplate these benefits, the usual suspects hammer away with their criticism that the free food imports will not last long and will lead to dangerous “food-dependency” for the former farmers who are “forced” to relocate to the urban center for factory labor.

To this Furyoo can only sigh with a grandfatherly chuckle. “What they fail to understand is that these jobs will provide the elves with more opportunities to purchase a wide variety of goods, including previously unimaginable luxury items. It will have a civilizing effect on their tribal lifestyle and their former standards of living will in retrospect seem barbaric. Just look at the effect of comparable policies on other countries: the GDP rose. Don’t be deceived by shortsighted detractors who fuss that wages have dropped. What matters is that GDP is climbing. As for these elves, what can one say to them? Angry elves will not listen to facts or reason. Of course, they are different from us, and we should bear that in mind.”

US taxpayers are already seeing their investment in the FTANP food aid program pay off as North Pole reindeer steaks begin to line supermarket freezer shelves. At $8.99/lb, North Pole reindeer may not be the most affordable meat, but an online study conducted by The Right Questions Inc. sampled 1000 consumers nationwide who had purchased the North Pole reindeer meat, and 92% found it “sweeter than beef,” while a whopping 98% were “glad it is available.” As part of its Waste Nothing – Save the Planet project, Urchin Daniels Hindland offers a free set of mounted reindeer antlers with every non-commercial bulk order of 100 pounds or more.

Environmental activists have voiced concern about a possible decline in the reindeer population, but Urchin Daniels Hindland representatives assure them that several breeding camps have been constructed outside the slaughterhouse to ensure an uninterrupted flow of meat product. A few marginal watchdog activist groups have recently claimed there is a correlation between the genetically modified grain provided by feed supplier Carkill and the sudden outcropping of cancerous growths on the reindeer intestines. But Furyoo dismisses these claims as “desperate attempts by the usual conspiracy theorists to boost their self-image by playing detective and shouting wolf about imaginary dangers.”

A recent Carkill study that draws on scientists and other advanced degree holders finds that there are “no verifiable connections between GM crops and the growths on the North Pole reindeer intestines,” concluding that the growths are most likely “a harmless cellular reaction to shipping stress.” An Urchin Daniels Hindland study confirms these results.

Despite its infancy in the international economy, the North Pole has already been embroiled in controversy. As a result of an ‘investor-to-state’ dispute resolution established by Chapter 11 of FTANP, ChrystBrrr Corporation—the car manufacturer that recently opened a major production outlet in the North Pole—recently sued the nascent polar state for imposing unacceptable emission standards on its factories. The investor-to-state provisions give companies the right to sue states if FTANP conditions are violated.

“These irrational and burdensome constraints parading as environmental regulation are in flagrant violation of the most essential principles of a free and open market,” said ChrystBrrr prosecuting attorney Sue Yurasoff. “Who does the government think it is anyway? I thought we had advanced beyond the antiquarian and oppressive notion of divine right of kings.”

Because of the efficient structure of the North Pole government—a newly formed governing body consisting of the Clauses—an agreement satisfactory to both parties was promptly worked out. The emission standards were immediately lifted and ChrystBrrr dropped its $600 million lawsuit in return for a signed promise that Christmas would from then on be promoted as Chrystmas, with all patent rights belonging exclusively to ChrystBrrr. In a goodwill gesture, ChrystBrrr custom-designed a fuel-injected sled for Claus, replete with airbags, a retractable bulletproof glass rooftop, a 50-disk DVD player, and a reindeer-leather interior. Economists and business leaders hailed the agreement as “another win-win of privatization” and “a bold step forward towards liberalizing services.”

Claus spoke at a press conference shortly after the settlement of ChrystBrrr Corporation vs. North Pole. “The sky here is big enough for both Santa and ChrystBrrr”, he proclaimed, raising his arms up. “We of the North Pole believe that ‘Chrystmas’ better captures the spirit of our times than ‘Christmas.’ If a day of piety is no longer treated with reverence, we should end the desecration by removing all religious connotation. Let us not use the Lord’s name in vain.”

Claus’s comments carried extra weight among his audience thanks to his new mature look. Clean-shaven and donning a sports suit, Santa now exudes a spruce youthfulness mellowed by respectability. Yet Claus nonetheless remains committed to the Chrystmas spirit: a crimson silken napkin hangs from his breast pocket, forming a tasteful complement to his red-and-white ChrystBrrr sled tiepin.

Thanks to his new Gorge-and-be-Gorgeous sponsorship, Santa has even lost inches around the belly. Formerly known as Get-Thee-Away-Fat, Gorge-and-be-Gorgeous is supplying Claus with a free cargo of trial-size weight loss pills that allegedly work regardless of one’s caloric intake. These berry-flavored complimentary gifts will be dispensed to children who, like the former Santa, could stand to lose a few pounds.

“We are very happy with the FTANP and have seen how the unencumbered pursuit of private gain increases prosperity,” Mrs. Claus said at a recent cocktail reception held at the newly constructed FTANP conference dome to celebrate the passage of the free trade agreement. “There is now a great feeling of liberation and well-being in the North Pole,” she added, while sampling some freshly imported Easter Bunny. “Of course, not all of us benefit, but in every system there are winners and losers. As optimists, we focus on the winners.”

Mr. Claus agreed: “As the great philosopher Voltaire would have said, it is the best of all possible systems. And one should keep in mind that these economic arrangements are the inevitable result of human nature and cannot simply be undone—” Never given a moment’s respite, Claus was interrupted to sign several documents regarding work conditions for the elves.

When he returned he had some words to the young children who were saddened to hear Santa would not visit them this year: “Don’t despair boys and girls! I’ll be back out on the skies A.S.A.P. and the presents will be even bigger than before! Merry Chrystmas to all and to all a prosperous night!”

Whether or not the FTANP will continue proving itself an economic miracle remains to be seen. But what is certain is that FTANP and other similar free trade agreements are here to stay forever … or at least, as long as the brotherly Chrystmas spirit is upon us.

Constantine Markides