Juss Ass Da Big Don

131 Comments

1. 

   Constantine Markides

   May 5, 2011

   Dear Big Don,

   There’s already been platoons of visitors according to the stats so either they’re a bit shy or they’re suspicious about why they should look to you for advice. So let me break the static friction. Go on, tell us what makes you a respectable figure to look to on matters of birth, death and all the troubles sandwiched in between. Can you show street creds? Or can you just tell a tale about what makes you a touch different from the rest of the pack?

   Thanks.

   Reply
2. 

   Vasia

   May 6, 2011

   Dear Big Don,

   I collected dream relics from people at my opening last night with the plan of including everyone’s imagery into a large scale painting. Would you be willing to share one? I think incorporating a mind like yours into that medley would be superb. Also, is there a limit as to how many questions the same person can ask you?

   Sent live statue-side, from the green and juicy oasis of McGorlick Park.

   Reply
3. 

   Constantine Markides

   May 7, 2011

   Scratch my last comment, Big Don, for two reasons. First of all, if anyone, after reading your writing, needs more reason to ask you something, then best they just move on to gentler, more prosaic destinations. And second, based on the emails I’ve received, it seems that everyone thinks I’m you (“you’ve lost it” being one of the most pithy replies). To deny this is pointless — there’s no escaping the shadow of Fourth Fiction for me — but even if I were you, I don’t see why it should make any difference.

   It looks like the Christian karmic proverb ‘Give and thou shalt receive’ doesn’t always hold true. No doubt I’m a hypocrite to say it, because I don’t participate on other websites, but I’d like to think that if I came across Big Don, I wouldn’t leave without a comment.

   I’m sorry to say this, but I’m overcome at the moment by Menckian distaste for general taste. But so be it. It’s enough for me, BDK, to know that there’s another dog out there howling, howling, against the dying of the light.

   Reply
4. 

   Big Don K'Shayne

   May 7, 2011

   Arite, iffa dassa way iss goinsa happuns, den sassaways iss goinsa happuns.

   Caint be hepped.

   So. I’s supposa tawks bous ma crudenshals?

   Lookahyuh, der ain’ts no school for dis shit. I’s juss sore fell inno diss posishun owna couns a awla otha spots whirf taken wassa awlreddis fills up.

   Passhun wa da firss picked, den Ro-manss. A corrs dey’s da furss, deys’ da LeBron an Ko-B a de concepshul whirl. Dig?

   Den i gotsa chance an took Maginashun an Cree Ay Tivatee.

   In case yers currus, Transishnal Termnul Masses an Ena-gees went lass, den agin who wanssa spen eternatees as Death? Dig?

   Henneway, I’s not ere da preech on purrla concepshul mattas. No, dats dry as rock piss and sand.

   I’s goinna talka bous Tha Muthafuckin Spark.

   Imagina harrmonickus. You kno! Da musecal instrament? Litta mettal mutha fulla holes?

   Deres only one way da play a harrmonickus… ya assis eitha suckin or bloin’. Dig?

   An when you firss pickup a harrmonickus, dass all you will do. You’s gonna suck or you’s gonna blo! Dass rite!

   Ain’t heppin it. Noises all you make!

   Wiff nuff times an prackiss, you’n gits purr good.

   But tabee ava esspress yer ass an let feelins an emoshuns pour out a you to whers a harrmonickus Parr a yew? You need da Muthafuckin Spark.

   Othawise, you juss suck or yer ass is blowins.

   Fo sho! Ya gotsa reconnize!

   Thers muthas who spenn der tire carears juss suckin or blowin. Evra nowanden one or two buss thru an fine da muthafuckin spark.

   I’s goin ta tell you howsa do juss dat.

   It take da courage ta rissk yo soul, da persistan da see iss possbull, da stubbaness ta not giffup, and da spine ta not give a fuck wha otha lessur muthas think.

   Dass all babies! Dass it.

   Da Don’s Da-done wiff his intro.

   Stay crispy effrewans. Nessup issa risspawnce fo Vasia…

   -Tha BDK

   Sent live, courtside, fromma Fourthnight Theatah a da Grand Maginashun.

   Werd

   Reply
5. 

   Big Don K'Shayne

   May 8, 2011

   Vasia! You’ssa goinsa do artwerr a da colleckif dreams offya showfoke?

   Souns coo.

   So you wanssa incorrpray a Big Don Dream? I’s a luckafuk! Fo sho.

   Yeh, I’s hadsa a dreams dis one tie.
   I’s was trabalin ovaseas.

   I’s wassun in europs or ennthin, I’s litralee flyins ova waturrs.

   Den, I done no how’s but I’s suddenlee arressed by a flocka ugly ass bird coverr wiff band aids.

   I’s throwed inna prissa cell made outta big ass floatin orange inna sky.

   I’ssa hads gottins m’ass arressed fo beens a toe-lee free bad mutha an fo pollinatin wiffout a lissuns.

   Ya see, to da bird, Big Don looka lie a big ole bumblabee, wiff coo blues man sunglassa. Dat was befores I’ssa met Mooch Ass an Grassy Ass. So, it made senn dat I has my glassa still.

   I’ssa dancin onna curlee petals offa most buetfah flowa inna sky.

   But thens… outs a nowherrs I’s sat inna prissa cell nesst to a couppa bad seeds an sum pulp.

   Anna crossa froms me wassa baddess looka mutha I’s evah saw.

   Hissa name’s was Oro Burris, an he’s wassa biggess, baddess, snake I’s eva seens. Wha made his ass so fearsum was da he was eatin hissown tail!

   I’s freak outss fo sho.

   Henneway, I’s not so clears onna wha happens ness, but I’s did manage a escaipe by pretennin a be da missin an unniscovered shade offa color blue.

   Oro Burris was da sun, an I’s awokessa find an orange in ma hand and a bumbabee on ma nose.

   Dat wassa hole trueff fo sho!

   I’s hopes dis lil ditty heps you’s outs.

   Yer loyul hummlee bummlabee

   Da BDK.

   Werd

   Reply
   • 

     Vasia

     May 10, 2011

     Dear BDK,

     Many thanks for your incredibly rich and detailed dream. Like you, it is one of a kind.

     I pictured Californian Condors (http://bit.ly/lpciip) as the bandaged birds. They are the ugliest mofos in the bird kingdom. But it must have at least smelled nice in that orange prison cell. So how did an orange end up in your bed for you to wake up with it in your hand? Or did you fall asleep in an orange grove? That sounds nice.

     Oro Burris was too busy eating his tale that he didn’t realize that you turned into the missing shade of blue? Bummer for him that you turned into an impression-less abstraction and escaped and bonus for the curly petaled flowers that will now get to be pollinated by you once again. The world will not come to an end after all.

     Thanks for your submission Mr. Humlee Bumlabee. Keep posted for this imagery in my next painting!

     Reply
     • 

       Don K'Shayne

       May 10, 2011

       Miss Vasia,

       You hits the nayul ownits hed, dey’s sho weres Condirs! Dey’s is sum geye-gannic ugly, vutchur lookin muthas!

       Abouss da aranche, I’s stihconfewe! I’s gots no ideuss how’s it showed up.

       Less Miss Chief wa pullin a prankon Ole Don.
       She sho is sitrussy sweet!

       Plee bee sho inclue me inyo thoufs iffa yews evah senssout fotos offa yo immachree. Cain waitta see yo painins!

       Vasia la visa, baby!

       Stay dreemee, gurl.

       - Da BDK

       Reply
6. 

   Nat

   May 8, 2011

   Dear Da BDK,

   What is up with the dinosaurs? Sometimes, I will be riding the subway, spacing out, and then I think, there were dinosaurs here on earth, roaming around, eating stuff, now they are gone, weird…

   Best,

   Nat

   Reply
   • 

     Don K'Shayne

     May 10, 2011

     Nat,

     BZZ da’s bizzagize bizza rebizza. Bzza my bizzobizza A Bzzalow.

     Sorris. Fo dose a yewe who done speeks Nat, dat abuve sed diss:

     Nat, I’s apollo-gize fo nots replyuns ta yew by clikins reply. See ma risspawnse below.

     my apollo-gees peepus!

     Da BDK

     - Bzzerd!

     Reply
7. 

   Iche Tucknee

   May 8, 2011

   Hey Big Don,
   I heard this from a friend who heard it from a friend who spoke to an Ichetuckneeian woman who said that, there are four elements representing points of connection in every romantic relationship. While all four are usually present to varying degrees in all relationships, one or two tend to dominate or characterize each romantic partnership differently. In no particular order they are: Partner, Sex, Soul, Intellect. What I’d like to know is -how would you rank the four elements in order of importance to you? If you can be as specific as possible, that’d be great.
   Thanks,
   Iche

   Reply
   • 

     Don K'Shayne

     May 10, 2011

     Iche,

     Inna kay yewe ain’ts a seens its. I’s risspawneds a yo queere inna seppra pose balow.

     Werd.

     A BDK saloo to da stickyess a da Icky!

     -Tha BDK

     Reply
8. 

   Don K'Shayne

   May 9, 2011

   Nat,

   Affanoonses! You’s sho is da mose low kwaishus nat I’s e’eers encounners. Ness time’s you’s an yours is loiteruns roun my froot bole, I’s be mo incline to enagayge in dyea-logs fore I’s whip outs da flyswattas.

   Now’s. Abouss da dinasore. Dey’s heres but nows dey’s gone. You’s rights abouss dat fo sho.

   Wha happuns was dis big-ass space rock. Biggas shit! It’s cames outsa space and struck da Yoocantan inna wassis now Messickoe.

   Dat lonch a shit ton a deebree inta da airs, and it stop light frums da sun a reechin all da plants and otha green thins dat need sunlie. Dig?

   Buh whachoo done knowsiss diss!

   Tha biggass space rock, or meaty-ore, din’ juss happa a hit da earf, that meaty-ore’s was sent. But it wassa accidens, ya see?

   Waybackina day, way befo derrs was any peepuls wakin da erff, derr useabee diss poplar sporrt callt, Higgs Bowlsun. Basicly you’s gots two teams tryinna knock each otha’s balls outa obits, you strika bigass rock wiff anutha bigass rock aniffa you gits it ta moof you gits points. Da mo yo rock moofs yo poenuns rock, da mo poins you’s gits. Follo? Iffa you can’s makes it moof compleelee outsa obit and karee off inna space, or iffa bowfe rocks dissinagray upawn inpack, da game is ended. Dig?

   So, lonn staree short, dis one game, sum mannificen jackhole, lonch a biggess rock evah, but hissass cain’t controliss throw, see? An tha rock goes outta bound, inna da naybuss yard, and buss up dair blue ribbuns prize planet, you guessit, Earf!

   Neeless a say, Higgs Bowlsun ain’ts play no mo. Lees notsa dat large skayul.

   Hope dis hepped out, Nat.

   Stay buzzy, baby!

   -Da BDK

   WERD

   Reply
9. 

   Don K'Shayne

   May 9, 2011

   Iche!

   Coo name. I’s usseta haff a bigass mutt uffa dawg named Icky. I’s suppoes I’s sill do, owna couns I’s ain’t bounds by time’s or space, but dat mutt likes sa hid from me, so I’s done see hisass offun.

   Dig?

   Henneway, you queshun issa trick quession. I’s say dat, ownacounse dat Sex, Soul, an Innaleck, all adds up ta Partna. So’s iffa you’s got Partna ta begins wiff, you gots all otha three, and you gots it inna rite orda. Dig?

   So, inna regars to da orda offa otha three, it’s easy baby! Soul’s by def-nishun nummah one. Soul Train, Soul Brutha Numma One, Soul – Souff Koreeus, hett-setruss, da liss go on baby!

   Numma two is Innaleck. Assyewe can see, Innaleck issa soup-ream impotence ta me, rite buhine Soul.

   Dat leefs Sex assa supah-close numma three.

   Juss rememma, good Soul and Innaleck make Sex betta, it done work da otha way.

   Dig?

   So, whachoo thinks?

   Awrite Iche, say hi’s to da otha Trickakneese fo me.

   -Da BDK

   WERD

   Reply
10. 

    Blackness

    May 9, 2011

    BDK, what it do?

    I have a very serious question that’s been on my mind as of late. Now, as I’ve come to understand in my older (not old) age, that I am no where near as tolerant to certain things as I use to be. Being a being that’s been around and kicked it with the naked couple and their pet snake, dinosaurs, prophets, dictators (I’ll save what’s the difference between a prophet and dictator for my second question, of which I hope you’re capable of ending in an amazingly witty joke), kings/queens, Jimmy Hoffa(?) and Dr. Dre, I would assume that you of all things would be able to answer me this. Why the fuck is Jersey shore so god damn popular? And why do people aspire to be like them? If infinite wisdom saw this shit coming and didn’t do anything to prevent it, (going Godfather now) “I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren, that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today”.

    Thank you for hopefully clearing the air on how we let things get this bad.

    Reply
11. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 9, 2011

    Blackness!!!!

    Werd!

    Firsafall, I’s diggin da name!

    Blackness a Minnight!

    Seconsafall, ree-allatee is abouss da worss ideuss evah. I’s ain’t risspawnsiba fo it. I’ssa creeatif ennutee, I’s a champeeyun a da riter baby!

    We useafeel good abouts our cellabretees cause dey insparrus to reech fo ourown muthafuckin spark.

    Nowwadays we feels goods abouts our cellabratees cuz we’s glad we’s ain’ts they’s ignarann ass. Dig?

    A pursson useabee famuss cuz they ass was speshal. Now you’s speshal cuz you’s fammis. Dig?

    All you’s gots to haves nowwadays is an ennless supply offa stoopids.

    Hello Churrsie Sho!

    Dat’s da eterrnals muthafuckin font offa stupids.

    Danke Snookie!

    I’s feelin betta bous maseff!

    Ta anssa ya otha qwerie:

    A proffess an a dickator are da same muthafuckin thing, sepp a prophess talks ya ta death and a dickator beats you ta death.

    Dig?

    Fo sho!

    -Tha BDK, chokin onna arange wedge

    WERD

    Reply
12. 

    Constantine Markides

    May 9, 2011

    Big Don,
    I was having lunch with my sister on her stoop when your comment to Nat came through. You had us laughing so hard we were choking up lentils and rice. Thankfully they were well-lubed with olive oil so they didn’t get stuck in the windpipe.

    Loved the harmonica wisdom. Your new name, BDK, is Betta Dan Krack. Keep it coming. My only piece of backseat advice is that I think it’d be better if you clicked on “Reply” when you comment. That way your answer embeds directly under the relevant question. But up to you. This is your playground now, not mine.

    Thanks to Nat, Iche Tuckness and Blackness for joining in on the DonTrain. As for those of you who are wary (or weary) to comment because you think I’m the driver, not a passenger, and therefore don’t want to be on the butt end of a joke, well, all I can say is that the joke, ironically, is on you.

    Reply
    • 

      Don K'Shayne

      May 10, 2011

      Speakin a butt-ends!

      Howee!

      Iss like-ah orgiss in hyah! I’s em-bed witha Nat, an Icky, a Vasia, a Blackness and Issanbul Not Consansee-no-pull.

      No sloppah seckons, I’s gettin firss dibs!

      Hoooooweee!

      Dass rite!

      - The BDK

      Reply
13. 

    Beran

    May 10, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    I must start with an apology, because I have looked down on you. Or let me put it this way, I have sent an email to your host Mr. Markides instead of directly writing to you and I said that you were hoping too much, and people will not ask you any questions becuase they are simply not interested. Another thing I said was me being the one to approach when there is a question. Now I have to admit that I was wrong, and I am taking full responsibility of bothering your host with a matter that actually had to take place directly between you and me. Anyway, I have a question to ask you and a request to make. The request is about the language. As you can tell by my writing my English is not great, whereas you have your own English, (huh there is a big gap there!), so when you answer my questions please do consider this.
    Two questions:
    1- Who is your favorite fiction novelist, and why?
    2- Do you recon human race will shift in consiousness any time soon?
    thank you in advance
    take care!

    Reply
    • 

      Don K'Shayne

      May 10, 2011

      Beran,

      I’s diggin yo name. Iss cool. It’sa conjurrin imma-chree tha lets da maginashun run wild. Dig?

      So. Yer requess is to take yo English inna considrashun?

      Sho thing baby! But so fars I’s ain’ts seen nuthins a consida.

      You’s English is fines baby! I likes its. It hassitssown rhyddum, an cadunce.

      Itsall yours, dig? Ain’ts nobodiss can tawk or writes like you, so done go happologyein fo yo voice!

      Think a yo English like music. You’s writtin outs notes fo da ressafuss to play. Dig?

      It’sa purrfomance moedan juss comunickashun. Follo?

      Englisha becomes da languache da ri-gurr fo da plannit. But becussa its many rules an e’cepshuns to rules, it leeva lotta room ta play iffa yews issa playful mutha! Dig?

      So. I’s apologie iffa yewe cain’t unnerssan me. I’s knows it’ssain’t e-z.

      Yo queshuns!

      Ma favra, novaliss. I’s gots severah. I’s likes Melville’s cuz a his ten-ass-itee. I’s likes Tommy Pynchon, cuz he’s ways out there in leff feel, same ass Voneguts.

      I’s considda mice-elf a bit like a Billy Piggrim. Dig? I’s comes unstuck inna time.

      I’s awso likes Maccoms Larris. Sorry, he hayessit when’s I’s done sessis rite.. Here go: Malcolm Lowry. Dang! Dat’s harrer to say dan eye rememmer.

      Maccoms iss deah to ma harr cuz a his mixa langache. Give Ole Unna Da Volcannus a good chickide check.

      I’s cain’ts not mensha John Kennedy Toole’s Conferracy A Dunssa (fo obvias reesan to dose a yewes who’ssa reds it, an fo dose who’s ain’ts cuz my voice a feechur prom-nitlee innit.

      Werd.

      Yo otha queshun.

      Do I’s belee dat hue-manatee will reecha diffra conshanuss soon? NO!

      Why’s I’s think dat? Cuz ya’ll ain’t unlock all tha peesus a yo curren conshaness. Consha-MESS issa mo lika!

      Iffa hue-manatee cain’t grass da con-sep a pees, luv an unnassanin, den hue-manatee ain’ts gots da rite ta moof on!

      Beran, I’s apologie agiyen iffeyes harra read. Iff my’s obfusskata langache iss confuse you, ass da Constant-Teen fo hep. Hemay be abuss ta trasslate. Arr summotha fine foke hyuh may do awso.

      Fo Sho!

      Thank yewe fo yo queerie!

      Stay Grizzalee Beran.

      - Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
      • 

        Beran

        May 11, 2011

        Hey Big Don,

        thank you so much for the answers. I like your comment on conscious-mess! I totally agree, but I think even unlocking all the peesus of the current consciousness means a shift, and its not about having the right to shift, there is no rights to gain or lose its about spontaneously and randomly moving to a different phase. Anyway at least this is how I see it.
        Its funny what you said about my English having its own rhythm, because you remember how I asked you to consider my level when replying, funnily enough I had no trouble reading it, especially after I tried to read your writing loud with a 9/8 Gypsy rhythm, so your rhythm is definitely much more fun.
        I am with you on Vonnegut!
        bye

        Reply
        • 

          Don K'Shayne

          May 11, 2011

          Bee-BOP APOP Beran,

          I’s please dat you’s responnen ta ma rispawnss! It tays a litta back an forff ta gits sum dyea-logsa goins.

          You’s mussabee kweye an enlitenn innividual to read BDK in 9/8 Gypsy. Django woussabe pleased as hell ta know dat.

          Purrapps I’s in needs offa musical companymints. Dig? Iffa’s writins music, maybis issa should be playsass musics.

          Haulrites baby. You keepsum queshuns comins.

          Da BDK has come unstuckin time!

          - Werd

          Reply
14. 

    Falcorious

    May 10, 2011

    BDK,
    I am a swimmer, but my favorite part of swimming is sinking to the bottom and running out of air. Whats up with that?

    Reply
    • 

      Don K'Shayne

      May 10, 2011

      Falcorious!

      Wassup Hans! I’s ain’ts hurrs from yous since you was stilla live an kickinit here wiff da livin!

      Dat wassa one bad mutha offa song!

      Dreh-ditch nitch yum, shaw shaw, der Kommissa gits yum!

      Fo those a you dat don’t unnersan my spreichen-dze Dutchee, dat is da korrus ta Falco’s Der Kommissar!

      Ya knowssit babies!

      Done turner roun, no-oh oh, dar Kommissa’ssin town, uh-oh oh!

      Dat brinn backasumm fonn mammary!

      Henneway, yo queshun!

      I’s thinnin purraps you’sa likin da sinkin an runnins sout uff airs cuzzit remines you a yo muse-cal career!

      HOO!!

      I’s juss kiddin baby!

      It prolly stemmsa frum yo kinkys sex habbis. You otto-rotick ass-fixy ation luvin mutha!

      Nah nah nah, sirruslee, sirruslee.

      Dassa guh queshun an I’s shudna laff.

      You’s prolly juss enjoyins dem tingles you gits fromma esstreem lacka airs. Purraps?

      Tinkaboussit!

      Stay boyann baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
      • 

        Falcorious

        May 11, 2011

        BDK,
        I’m grateful for your response- that you have taken the time to consider my plea. And I’m thrilled that I could bring about some fond mammaries.
        It is true that I’m always looking for additional tingles in any which way- so I will place extra consideration on my next voyage to the depths of the marine world & let you know how it went.

        Reply
15. 

    Sad Banana

    May 11, 2011

    Hi Big Don.
    Why does love bring us so much grief and hurt? What can we do to cope with the confusion and the pain?
    Thanks for your thoughts.

    Reply
    • 

      Don K'Shayne

      May 11, 2011

      Greetins Nanna,

      Sounssalie yews goins froo sum tuff time baby. I’s feels fo yew. I’s do.

      Dass da age ole queshun. Howdowee cope when’s our heartsis brokens?

      Hannywan’s who’s reely love anutha pesson only ta lose dat pesson beesit to brekkup, deth, whatteva, nose tha devassatin effeck dat love-greef brinns. It brinns the opressif weit a da whirl upon yo showdas an saps yew offawl enagees. An effra breff tayken innew yo lunns seems likka eturrna task dat will brinn no re-leaf.

      Iss tuff! Issa muthafuckin tuffess thin inna whirl ta git pass, undah, ovah, arouns… yew namessit.

      To anssa yo quesshun direcklee, here go: love brinnssout so much greef an hurtin, coz you’s put youseff out der, esspose yoseff as a pesson, bear yo heart, ann whens you done feel dat love returrn, or match, da rejekshuns tarrbull.

      It’s sturr up seff dowts, in-ackwaseas, an leaf yous tremmlin lika leaf owna tree.

      Soe, what’s canwe do’s?

      Firss, you gots to gitt dat hurtin outta yew baby! Criessit out, may sum arrwork, rite it out, go git yoseff a biggass pilla and beet tha tarr out’s it.

      Secon…. you ain’ts in purrtorie, or lembo’s or nutthins. Time’s feelin eturrnas to ya rite now cuz you’s mines on a loop consanlee thinkin a da same thin. Dass why step one’so portant.

      Thirr… git out, git actif and live yo life, baby. Wonce the whirl see yo smile returr, you’s bees attrackin awl kines a bummala bees wiff yo sunschine! Dig?

      Damm yall. You’s gots Ole Don all missy-eye an shit.

      Hope dis hepp out, Nanna. An whachow fo dem Nats stankin up yo froot bole.

      Fo sho.

      -Tha BDK

      Reply
    • 

      Don K'Shayne

      May 11, 2011

      Nanna,

      Bye daway. Dat purratorie refrenss wass ment fore Ensam Blomma, our ness pose. Iss sill aplieda you, tho.

      -Da BDK

      Reply
      • 

        Sad Banana

        May 12, 2011

        i can tell you’ve been there, big don, because you tell it as it is. i’m the other side of ensam blomma’s story, the other side of the street, the other half of the spilled heart. you didn’t really get my side of the story but let’s just say that, hard as this is, i’ve got to do my spring cleaning to clear out the fruit flies from my banana bowl. years of neglect made things rotten in there. the gnats are gone now, but i’m extra cautious and taking her slow to make sure all the eggs are gone. i won’t have it buzzy in there again.
        you give me strength, bdk.

        Reply
16. 

    ensam blomma

    May 11, 2011

    hi don,
    i’m not sure how well-versed you are on matters of the heart, but i see sad banana opened up that can of worms, so here’s another one for you: what do you say of a man who says he’s in love with you but broke up with you because he needs time to be alone, and is not ready now but says he later will be, at some undetermined point in the future? i’m in a kind of hazy place that feels like romantic purgatory, in which i fear holding on will only prolong this heartbreak. thoughts? wisdom? supreme insight? what do you make of this man? readers, i’m all ears for you as well.. thanks

    Reply
17. 

    Don K'Shayne

    May 11, 2011

    Ensum Blomma,

    Lookalie I’s playuns love Dockta today. No whirrees. My mines crispy still, I’s good ta go.

    So I’s ushally done commins on matta’s a da harr an assed to choose side iffa’s nots ackwayned wiff boff siddah storris. Iss lie tryinna crossa two way stree an only lookin one way.Sum’thin’s gownna hitcher ass.

    Dat been sais, I’s still thin I’s cain sheds sum lites on sityouashun an purricamint.

    So, dis fella sed he love you, but brokoff da realasianship owna count of his needin his space an freedum?

    Well, dass tuff. Not knowis hiss poinnuf vu, all’s I’s can says is you’s gots to keep livins yo own life baby!

    Iffa he come back, an you’s still feelin da same feelins den da spark may still lite a fire. Ore not. Who knows?

    But iffa he done come roun an returra you, den you cain’ts be still waittin fo hissas. You gots to live on and keep on keepin on doin yo own thain.

    You’s know bettah dan annyboddis iffyou feel hissass is beins genuwin. Dig?

    I’s hope diss hep. I’s one dat truly belees all dis shit workssout fo da bess in da ends.

    Stay Blommalish!

    Tickity-tock, Luv’sis on da clock!

    -Tha BDK

    WERD

    Reply
    • 

      ensam blomma

      May 11, 2011

      thanks don. you feel like someone i’ve talked to before but perhaps it is just your wise and sound words that lend a certain air of familiarity and comfort. you are right in it being only one perspective you are hearing. and very right, in that i have to just keep on keepin on doin mai own thain. you should now get back to advising and philosophizing on much more interesting matters, like the consciousness of humanity or where the dinosaurs went. cheers, big d.

      Reply
      • 

        Don K'Shayne

        May 11, 2011

        Hain’t no thang baby. Da Don will nevah let cherass down. An done wurrah, I’s happy as shit to ansa yo quesshuns bousanythans.

        Stay syruppy baby!

        -The BDK

        WERD

        Reply
18. 

    Vasia Markides

    May 11, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    What happens when we die? Do you believe in an afterlife and if so how do you envision it? Also, what’s your view on karma? And lastly, do you believe in parallel universes?

    Thanks and looking forward to your response!

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 12, 2011

      Dammits… I figgots to clickown da Reeplie!
      Scroll downs fo yo annssa!

      Werd!

      Reply
19. 

    Jasper

    May 11, 2011

    What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 12, 2011

      Dass EE-Z Baby!

      Days alike innat you done wanna owpun eeffa a dems up wonce deys wash up owna beech!

      Fo Sho!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
20. 

    Beran

    May 12, 2011

    Hi again BDK!

    One thing really is making me curios. You know lately (actually I think cannibalism has a long history) in the new god of communication era we hear stories about cannibal wannabes put ads on internet asking if anyone is interested in being eaten by them. So my question is who is more insane, the ones who want to eat people, or the ones who actually respond to this ads and go to be eaten by the cannibal? or they are not insane at all? thanks

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 12, 2011

      Cannablism!? Hooo-weee…

      Well, I’s gots to ammits, Ole Don’s beens temmed ta tay a bite outta cerran peepas, but mo inna playfa, foreplate kinna way, not, choono, fo newtrisha!

      Henneway, seem clear ta me datta balloontier fa cannablism iss farr crayssar dan da ackshul canbull. Rye?

      A canbull cannat lees chain hiss , arr herr, way, wance yews consoom you’s gone baby!

      Ittaint’s crayssa ta thinnabouss cannablism, buchoo gotssa bee a lil off ta ackshalee go froo wiffit. Done choo thin?

      I’s thinns so…. maybees a lil bit.

      I’s hopes siss hepps.

      Stay Chompy an Unncassumed baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 17, 2011

      Yogi Beran!

      Howchoo doin baby?

      If yews gossa seckunnor two I’s gossa queshun fo you. Issabous can-blism.

      If yews was a can-bulls, who’d choo eat an why?
      Wha parrs of dair body wochoo starr wiff?

      Wochoo chooze yo meels base on da bue-tee offa peese choo wanna eats? Oar wochoo chooze yo meels base on da innaleck a da pursson? Wochoo eats ownla sull-abra-tees?

      I’s curruss baby!

      Lemmee kno whenchoo gits a chans.

      Stay straw-Beran!

      - Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
21. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 12, 2011

    G’affernoon Viss Markay!

    I’s happy ta see a re-pee cussomer. Welcka back a Big Don’s Housa-Anssa! Dig?

    I’s like da Housa-Anssa betta dan da Crib-da-Queshun, ore da Repetwah A Risspawnse.

    Yews brotta launry lissa quesha!HOOWEE!

    Awrite… firssup! Whass happenna us whens we die?

    Derrs diffra vue own diss.

    Iff yewssa sinetiss, we’s bawn, we’s growessup, we’s gettit on, anddens we’s die. Wen’s we die, corrin ta sinetiss, arr bodiss de-compoe an we disolf into da earf.

    Dissis tru, we do, but dere’s mo.

    Iff yews rulijuss, we’s off to eiffa heavuns, hells, or re-bone agin in diss life ova an ova til we ack-strate and transsenn.

    So, whaddus a dissembodiss consepshul mutha like Big D, belee? I’s inna yewneek posisha inna dat I’m spota be da dude-dat’s harrnassin yo mine an yo maginashun. I’s da drivah a da staych-coash ann I’s gotssa pull owna rains a yo mentah harrsepowah! Dig?

    So, Big D’s gotta innackit knalash oh you gray-matta circka-bored. Follo?

    So, inamy opinna, cuz I’s doen reely kno wha happa to you earfly bruthas an sissahs whens yaws do go, issat yo beccoms less an less fissicul, an mo an mo mennal. Dig?

    Assyew beccoms mo mennal, yewe transisha innoo anna lecktrick beeyuns, ratha dan a fissicul one, dig? So, yo essprurrence becum dat a creecha a lite, a bein a lectrissatee. An sinn lectrissatee moof atta speedsa lite, times stann still fo yewe.

    Dass rite babys. Yewe esspurrence times stillnuss, or eeturrnatee, assa purrlee lectric ennity.

    Off cose, yo shell, yo body withurrs off ass esspurrence by othas still bounce by time, but yo spurrit lives own inna dat one spark. Dig?

    Heer da catch, do. An heer’s weh Karmiss come in. Iffa yew led a hatesfill, angra life, yo lass thoss wils be angra ans hatefill. An yo lass spark will be so.

    Good ackshance is reewarrer with good ackshance, anna bads with tha bads. So yeah, Karmiss is parrful forts baby!

    Assa farssis da altarna yewnavurs go, yea, deys essist baby.

    Too mennis da count.

    Dey’s all coo. Cept I’s not welcka in one ownacounsse a dat’s whirrs I’s stash da missin shay a da color bloo, an naws days viewssis a lil tintahd.

    Hope diss hepps outs, Core-Vass-I-A

    Keeppah good queshuns commin. I’s diggin em. Fo sho!

    Stay Sossy!

    -Tha BDK

    WERD

    Reply
    • 

      Vasia

      May 13, 2011

      Dear Big Don,

      I rather like Repetwah A Risspawnse, but you’re right, Housa-Anssa is the best.

      Rest assured, my grey matter circuit board has been zapping and firing since you entered our lives, and I know the Con Man’s has been as well (and that’s a hard thing to make happen). You’ve got us all flabbergasted and scratching our earfy heads fo sho! Not sure how you manage to keep up with all these questions we’ve been hurling your way and give us such wise and comprehensive answers in such short periods of time. It seems that you are, indeed, of another world.

      Henneway, I like the idea of becoming more and more electric with time, and actually if you think of it that way, maybe the goal is to reach achieve a more electric and less physically-centered existence even in our younger lifetime (especially since we know that our bodies will only deteriorate with time). It’s so easy (yet destructive) in today’s society to put too much emphasis on the physical realm and neglect the others. On the flip side though, I’m a robust believer in the “body as temple” mindset – we must take care of our physical bodies while we inhabit them in order for our mental and lectric prowess to be strongest, no? Striking a balance is best, as with everything in life.

      It seems that you, BDK, have accumulated some good karma seeing that you’ve transformed into a being of light. Maybe you’re not a bumblebee after all, but rather a firefly. Even if we sent the CIA out to search for you, I doubt they’d be successful. And by so generously offering up your incredible wisdom and humor to all of us tortured earthly beings, your light and spark is only growing stronger. I can’t wait to see how large and all-encompassing it becomes with time.

      As for the missing shade of blue, if you brought it back to our universe, it would cease to exist, so better leave it there anyway.

      Thanks again for your excellent answer Big Don. I feel enlightened.
      Keep pulling on those reigns. We’re all loving the ride.

      Stay Caspery!

      Core-Vas-I-A

      Reply
      • 

        Don K'Shayne

        May 14, 2011

        G’affanoons Corr-Vass-I-A!

        I’s pleeze yo circka bore is feelin da tingaleese offa yo mine sparks goin ovatimes. Dig?

        I’s knows dat I’s appreshated yo queshuns fa show.

        Ya’lls all assed sum gooduns. I’s benz press fo sho.

        Purraps I’s shood turr da tayabus on yaws an starr assin sum queshuns m’eye owns.

        Durrs lots Ole Don’s still curruss bout my favra lil upreye wakken, bye-peedul creechas a cree-ay-tivi-tay.

        Whachall say? Yawll tank yo circka-bores iss willinssa anssa sum tangs dat I’s currussabouss? I’s mite be cree-atif, but dat done meen dat I’s capleelee unnerssan yawl. Dig?

        I’s gots a feelins dat yew an yo otha Forff Nite famalee seems eega nuff to take disson.

        Fa nows, I’s see dat they’sis anutha po-see-da-lee post awaitin a BDK tree-mint.

        Awryechall.

        Stay delishuss and currius baby!

        -Tha BDK

        WERD

        Reply
        • 

          Vasia

          May 14, 2011

          Sure, Big D. Happy to answer your queshuns!

          Reply
        • 

          Constantine Markides

          May 14, 2011

          I’m down, Big Don, even though readers hear enough of me on this website. I’m more interested in what others have to say about your queshuns. Not sure how you want to do it, but I’m guessing you’ll be more likely to get responses if you address your queshuns to specific people. But it’s your playfield so up to you.

          Reply
22. 

    Jasper

    May 12, 2011

    Close…they both like tight seals.

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 12, 2011

      Nassly dun, now doent git sassy!

      Dig?

      -Tha BDK

      Reply
23. 

    Blackness

    May 12, 2011

    BDK, what it is brah?

    I can tells you a jive turkey, cool cat, easy like a Sunday morning kind of being. I wonder, though, a man with a soul and insight like yours seem to be a pretty unique thing, dig? So, what I would like to ask is, you ever play music with the likes of BB King, Miles, or Elvis? What was it like if you did?

    Keep it funky brah!

    The Blackness

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 12, 2011

      Blacknesss! Wellcum black!

      I’s juss goins ta ignorres yore Jive ass Turkey commins as a lapss in yo judchemess.

      Coo?

      Coo!

      I’s tells you rites uffron. NO.

      I’s nevah play wiff any ah dose cats.

      BUT!

      I’s did proveye dem wiff da muthafuckin spark!

      Fo sho!

      I’s showed Miles howssa birff da cool, I’s tole BeeBee his thwill was sho nuff gones, and I’s tole Ehviss boussis bloo sway shoos. You knows hows I’s feelsa bouss blue baby!

      Henneway… I’s dont play wiff da geenusses, I’s juss lite da farrs dat let dems essploess likka supah-noviss.

      I’s da littah muthafuckin spark!

      Dig?

      I’s was insrummenal in makin dose muthas car-ears.

      Dig?

      I’s behines da magic dat made mo dan one a dose foos gains a pie-yuls a gole reckass.

      Wissout mees, Miles Davis woods be Miles da allaholic buss drivah. Wissous me, B.B. woulls sill be sangin bouss a thrill dat’s gone dass wass nevah derr to begins wiff.

      Dig?

      I’s nevah played wiff dose cats, but dens again, why wouls I’s wans to when’s I’s knowed dat wissouss me, days have no mateerruls. Dig?

      I’s hepps dem gain dat muthafuckin spark!

      Dig?

      I’s hoepps yew doo.

      Howevah’s, offal dose cats, I’s thinks I’s mose in touch wiff Miles. Dat cat wass lite yeers a-heds offa lots a otha muthas. Dig?

      Werd.

      Elvis wassalso a cat dat was playin wiffa hoe set a diffran rools dan de ress offa otha cats.

      Fo reels.

      An B.B., wells, B.B. wassa mo grounnen dan any otha mutha I’s evah met.

      Tho nowssadays I’s be happy iffa B.B juss worrkon his core. Dig?

      B.B.’s a littah loose an esspannin in da mid-sesshun.

      Well, I’s hoeps I’s annsah yo queshinn Blackna!

      Giff Ole Don a shaoss whens yous aybuss.

      Dig?

      Carrs you do! Latah on Donka Kon!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
    • 

      Don K'Shayne

      May 12, 2011

      Damn!

      I’s mussa been drinkin too mucha dats corn-watters! I sined offan dat pree-buss pose twice.

      Ole Don’s losinnis damn mine!

      Corrse, I’s did borris it.

      Jusso yew know!

      Fo Sho!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
      • 

        Constantine Markides

        May 13, 2011

        No worries. Middle sign-off deleted.

        I know that a bottle a day keeps the ghoulies away but don’t get lost in that cornwater!

        Reply
24. 

    James Warfield

    May 14, 2011

    Dear Big D,

    I want to ask you about race relations in the United States but I’m not sure how to phrase my question. I’m hovering between giving you (what might be too much) context, and simply putting out the question. I guess I’ll start this way: I feel like you transcend the constructs that limit most people’s thinking, producing a broader perspective that dissipates the seeming complexity of issues cutting to the heart of the matter.

    For that reason, I really want to know what you think about race in the US because it is something I am struggling with. Specifically I am confronting my own whiteness and trying to untangle what that itself even means. Yesterday, I participated in a seminar about race in the US. It was composed of women who studied critical race theory to varying degrees, and chose to work together to further our own understanding of white privilege and how it is dismantled. The group is composed of ten women: 1 African American, 1 Jamaican, 1 Latina, 1 queer lesbian and six white women. I say this because the conversation completely broke down along the lines of “outsider” vs. “insider” –I’m sure you can decipher who is “what”.

    From this point, I don’t know how to proceed because I find it really difficult to tell this story without recognizing from the outset that I am a white woman hence the way I tell this story will not only ooze whiteness it’ll be inherently biased because there’s no perspective here other than my own, which I don’t fully trust. Instead, I just want to put out there that this conversation turned into a battlefield. Initially, everyone came together because we had the same purpose, then after 6 hours and 5 radical readings we were fighting. I mean broke it the fuck down! Yet, we’re all on the same damned side!! Why the fuck can’t we hear each other??

    This scares me because if the people who are cognizant of what is going on can’t even sit and untangle it together, then the force for change is dead before it ever grabs a foothold in life. I’m not trying to dismiss the extraordinary progress that’s been made, but I can’t help but fear that the ostensible progress is a veil for continued denigration of Black Americans. Yet, racial equality has moved forward, right? Or maybe not. Is racial equality something that can ever actually happen until whiteness is dismantled? I think that could be true, but what does that look like? Lastly, and probably most important, do you have any advice on how to re-build come Monday? I hope these questions are clear.

    Thank you so much in advance –Big D! I’m grateful to put out these deeply troubling and uncomfortable questions to a source of wisdom such as yourself. Thank you, for that.
    Sincerely,
    JJ

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 15, 2011

      Damn! We’s gettin pro-frownd up indiss mutha!

      Coo..

      I’s gossasay, I’s haynt’s evah metta gurrl nayma James ‘foe. I’s mess tuns a Jaime ‘foe, but nevessa James. Iss coo! I’s digginit.

      Soe…. race real-haysha.

      Firss, ya shedno dat eye chewsa speek lie diss ownacounss I’s fine itss k-dince an voe-cablarry lib-raytins anniys musecaleetee sum meyetee rewarrin shit. Issa purrsnal choy. Dig?

      Meye race ann meye eye-denitty is whass I’s curry rouns seye me! Iss noss avatize hennewerr ess!

      So… whachoo arr ownna hinn-seye ain’ts gotssabee whachews werrin on da owseye? Ya falla me?

      So, done feel gillee bouss wurrin da skin a wheyet-foke. Iss ain’tssa bad thin baby.

      Iss howyewe ack inseye dat skin dat matta. Follo?

      Color done makes yerass an awematick vickim or vickimeyezah.

      Werd.

      Yisha be mo cansurnt bouss livin tru ta da voyce a ya own soul dan de hoe-pressuff expeckayshuns a soe-sightee! Dig?

      Na looka-hyuh!

      Bouss yo callees, days gossa bee comfarbuss wiffay owns serf furss. Iff yews convints dass yews a vickim, den yous solways gowen seesit dass way baby! No mattah house mutch yews sackomplish, itta nevah feel liekiss senuff. An yews salway gowen see dose who yew fee arr headah yew ass yo vickimeyezer.

      Nah lissen up cuz hears da meat a da mattah. Lissen hyuh!

      Hunnlest yewsa Vannabillt, orsa Rockafella, orsa Prince a Engluns nuttins evass gowin be givensa yew.

      NEVAH! Nothin.

      But chew cain’t juss taykes watchoo wans neethus! Yewss gossa MAKE yer own luck. Iff yews iss true ta ya own seff, yo own tru voice, dens tinssel workouss evenshally!

      Iss true baby, juss gossa haff sum faithin ya own damn seff!

      Werd. Dass why’s eyes hyuh! Ta hepp out any mutha dat wanssa fine dairown muthafuckin spark! Dair own voice! Ya follo?

      I’s sahways benz suhpisha da innivishul dass clayma speek firra hoe soe-sightee, spushlee iffay clayssabee radckuls. Be radckuls, buss be radckuls yoseff firss! Dig?

      Nows…. saffars as inseyedahs an oussidahs. Whathefuck? Inseye or Ousseyes a whut? Dass dat hoe vickim carr agins baby!

      Fo reel. Yo juss keepin yoseff down.

      My brutha Kurr Fonneguss say wance, “carrful watchoo pree-tenssa bee, cuz in da enz chew arr watchoo pree-tenssa bee!”

      Truah werrs nevah been said.

      Iffa yews salway feelin laka vickim, yews salway gowen feel datta way an yewlonly see dat in soe-seyetee!

      Fight da powah! Fight it fo sho! Buss-yewe gossa no wha dat powah iss firss! An issal gossa starr wichoo. Dig?

      Ownna otha seye a dat koyen, yawls liffin inna soe-seyetee dass greedis an machurralissic as fuck! Yawl done kneeds all dat shit yawl’s benz totta beleeve yawl need. Yawlsha use dat cash-munnis yawl spennin an giff backa yo fella huemankinds!

      Mayksa me sickass hell assee ha-mutcha diss cunnry has feye-nanshlee, an how lill yawls spennon edcha-kayshun. Mays me sick as fuck!

      Ass farssas ree-bildin fo Monnay. I’s dunno, sum fokes too farrs gone innair cents a vickimizashun a bee chainged. Ann sum fokes too farss gone innair cents a nots haffin henny risspawnsabilltees towarr da wellbeeyuns a dair fella man ta bee chainged eefah.

      Diss rispawnse gots Ole Don awl whippup! Fo reelz!

      Hoeps diss hepped, Jimbo!

      Latah! Stay true!

      - Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
25. 

    Constantine Markides

    May 15, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    Yesterday I was offered a pamphlet by someone who believes that the end of the world will be on May 21. It’s not the first time it’s happened. As the date nears, more and more of these pamphleteers and banner-bearers emerge (perhaps you’ve seen them: they wear yellow T-shirts that read “Judgment Day, May 21″). I feel for them because they must be in tough psychological terrain, assuming of course they have the gumption to follow through with the implications of their convictions. On one hand, if they’re right, the world will be annihilated in one week, which is no easy thing to grapple with on social / political / emotional / existential grounds. And if they’re wrong, their faith — which is obviously strong enough to motivate them to warn the rest of the world — will be dashed.

    If May 21 comes and goes without any visitations by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, what are these people to do with themselves? What would you tell them on May 22 when they face a crisis of belief?

    Also, I’m sure the position would be distasteful to you, but would you consider running for president in 2012? I’d campaign for you. I can see the posters now: “Big Don 2012, Bringin US Da Muthafuckin Spark!”

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 16, 2011

      Whaddit say, Con Man?

      Man yews ASSonass is trippin ovah yo CONsanass!Fo reelz!

      Da Big Don fo Purrsident?

      Brutha Con, da birffas wouls saffa a feel day ovah my burff surrtiffcka, ownacounss days ain’ts one.

      Buts I’s purrshate the suchesshun. I’s nose it cums frumma plaissa luv, so I’s tanks yew deepalee.

      Nossamensha I’s haint’s been abuss ta vackay diss bummalee-bee boddiss I’s infatrayed. Iss harra turns up in hyuh, an I cain’ts fine tha hartch I’s yewssa git tin hyuh.

      So I’s harrlee purr-cinnabunz fo a runnat pub-lick offass.

      Sorris Con Man. Dass spota say PRE-SENTA-BULL fo a runnat pub-lick offass. Suntie iss harr a cuntroe diss ere bummalee-bee whenz iss gotssis mine sets on sweetz. Dig?

      Werd.

      Assfarass dems fokes waitinna fo da rapsha, wail, days gown be awffa surrprie whens Apollo’s sa come ova da whorizon da ness day draggin awliss flamin charriuss.

      I’s giffum dis doe, daysass is sho nuff creatuffs. Da hoe whirl ennin on may twennie-furss. Day gossa bee trippin!

      Heffrebodiss kno yewnion coss is dubbah owna weekens! Haint’s no wayin hell yews gettins a demma-lisha crew dat size onwna weekens.

      Pluss, days ain’ssa scaffolins bigganuffs ta covah da tiretee a da earff!

      Dass sho ain’ts karatee, dats is stray up karazy!

      Karazy buss creeatuff fo sho! Gossa giffem poinss own dat derr.

      Chewno whass do? Days faiff mayba shayka affurssat, but days ass be shonuff glassays alife. Dass rite!

      Hawlrice Conssansinopulls. I’s gossa go.

      Stay earfflee baby!

      -The BDK

      WERD

      Reply
      • 

        Constantine Markides

        May 16, 2011

        I thought about the Birthers too. And that’d be the least of your troubles. You won’t get any campaign funds if you keep knocking oil. And your bumblebee entrapment is problematic for all sorts of reasons. But anyway, you probably know I was just being flippant in suggesting a presidential run. I wouldn’t like to see you take on any trappings of respectability. Your kind isn’t made for office except to disrupt it. That’s why if Apollo came rushing in all ablaze on his chariot, we’d just put you there to bullshit and charm his golden ass back to Olympus. Just like what you did fresh from the crib after getting caught stealing his cattle.

        Keep making tortoise shells into lyres.

        Reply
26. 

    James Warfield

    May 15, 2011

    Thanks Big Don,

    I appreciate your time and insight in this. The victim idea is an interesting concept. My first thought when I read it was: when we say ‘you choose to be victimized’ we ignore all of the structural and social factors that honestly do differentiate life choices. But, on the other hand, as you pointed out: the tendency to see oneself as a victim can cause you to constantly seek proof of it, turning every experience into one that is filtered only through that lens. In that case one will find it everywhere, there or not.

    I feel like your message is really clear: it’s about going into oneself and listening to what your heart knows is true. All the social concepts and constructs in the world can’t provide the insight that lies in each of us, when we are clear enough to let it speak.

    That’s kinda’ like what you are –right?

    Anyway, take care!

    JJ

    Btw: Nobody calls me Jimbo -but you can if you want!

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 16, 2011

      Jimma Jamz!

      Cho assis welcums. I’s feel likasseye dain’t covah assmush asseye shuds. Soe I’s may eturrns lay an anssa soe moe.

      Stay ant-rachinnuss baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 17, 2011

      Jimbo!

      Howssit go yessaday?

      Henqueyerunn mines wanna know!

      Fo Sho.

      -The BDK

      WERD

      Reply
27. 

    Chris

    May 16, 2011

    Dear, Big Don

    I’ve been diggin on your answers and think you know the real score.

    So here’s what I’m layin down. What’s the deal with free energy? Does that shit work or what?

    And what are we supposed to make plastics out of if there is no more oil? Should we just recycle the plastic we already have? Cuz not for nuthin, but that recycling may be good for our Mutha Earth and all but it sho is a pain in the damn ass. Dig?

    Chris

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 16, 2011

      Waddup Chris?

      I’s purrhsatin yo quesshun. EnnaGee pall-tix issa fall-tile isha dat effraboddis shood be cansurnt wiff. Fo sho.

      Free ennagees iss wass coverrs by soulah, winns, geeyo-therrma, oweshun currins, ann teyedal… baesick-alee iss henny hennagee sauce dat is nachralee reeplenchabull. Dass meen iss-ass woents runssout sumday like oyls. Dig?

      Juss’ammemmah one adda bess soul-funk owfits evah- Earth, Wind, and Fire. I’s knew frumma get-go dat funk had da powah ta saef da earff.

      Fo reels!

      Moofin own. Ree-sighlynn, whaddadoo ifwee cain’ts use oyles anymoes. Dississa sennsiff issha fo menny peepus. Less lissem out!

      Furss, da awlreddy essablush plassic manfachrerrs. Day done wanna hynn-bess in new tecknawlagees iffay done haffa. Days honelee hinneress issa mayka proffids.

      Seckons, da oil innustree, frum da drillin cumma-knees, tudda oyel-rig manna-fatchress, ann less knot foegits da oyel proe-doosin nayshuns a da earff.

      Han fine-lee, Thurrd, da regla peepa who yews da prod-us in quesha ann arr hess-tanna chainge. Peepas habbiss issa harr ta chainge.

      Likessit oar nots, we’s gossa ree-seyeka. Its my-bee hardsass hell nows, but issa gowenbee much harra latah.

      Day say dat Ness-sessa-tee issa mutha a fin-bensha. Annits tru! An she’sa ugly ass mutha too, an mean-ass shit! Ugliess meaness ass mutha offa mutha choo effa saw!

      Don’s not kiddin’s bout diss one yawl. She mean, she uglyasfuk an she done lissen ta ree-sun nor do she barggin.

      When hurr uglyass sho up, dass it! Yew’s gossabee reddy. Ann fin-bensha issa ownly way ta appease dat uglyass beas!

      I’s tays diss mattas furra purrsna owna counss a diss…. whens Ness-sessa-tee showup, an sumhoddy steppup an fin-ben sum’n, gess-who day use a imprennate dat uglyass mutha? ME! Cree-ay-TV-Tee hassoo steppup an brinn foth da prettys Fin-Bensha baby.

      Yawl thank I’s like doin da doo with Ness-sessa-tee? NO! I’s sain’ gowen lie yawl, hissa owenla tie I’s evah gits da nitemare issa whens I’s gossa tay-wan fo da teem an work dat mutha.

      Someties do, iffeyes reela lucka, an da sichooasha iss neerla loss, den Dess-pray-sha steppin meye place an saif ma ass. Dess-pray-sha ben ma hee-roe onmoe dan-wan times. Un-fun-tuna-tlee fo hissas, dass when Ness-sess-Tee is moe’s hin-saycha-bull.

      Dat poor bassa! Hissass kneesum hep! Hissass cain’t sleep cuzza awlda neye-mairs. Dat poor sleepluss fuk!

      Fo Sho!

      So, iff yawls outs therss goss henny feelins fo Ole Don, den doo yo parr an ree-seyecka, pleese! Purra pleese.

      Wiff shugah own top ann-awl dat utha shit.

      Awrite chawl. Awl diss Ness-sessa-tee tawk’s gots me awl acha-tay-yed. I’s needs a nap, or sum corn-watass.

      Stay green an ree-seyeklee yawl. Pleese!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
      • 

        Constantine Markides

        May 16, 2011

        Amen to that, BDK. I’ve been there, except Desperation always also drags me in and makes it a mean ass menage a trois. That said, it’s still the best way to make cherubs.

        Reply
28. 

    Chris

    May 17, 2011

    Damn BDK, I never thought of it from your point of view. If you have to do the nasty with that mean ass bitch then the least I can do is recycle.

    You can count on me to keep that think green shit goin on.

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 17, 2011

      Chris’s ass gown hepp me voidda crysis!

      Hoerite!

      So, bee-seye ree-seye-klynn, wachelse can yew do assan innivichal ta hepp me keep Ness-sessa-tee owssa my brichiss?

      I’s ichinna know!

      Yo hepps preeshated.

      Stay ennegize baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
29. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 17, 2011

    Conssa Teen!

    How’s yerass doin onna rainy day? Is yew drippy-humi-sticka? Orse issyew dry assan arizonurr-turd?

    An I’s kno you well burss in lichirachurr an shit, so I’s gowen assew sumn oussa yo comfurr zone.

    My queshun fo yew issis:

    Whut is da appeels of Saleen Deeon? Why do you peepuss like her loud-ass soe mush?

    I’s itchinna kno baby!

    Yew mays no, or yews may notno. Eitha way, I’s wanss yew ta try an essplain her apeel, pleese.

    Donkey Mein Brotherr.

    Stay Saleen-free.

    -Tha BDK

    WERD

    Reply
    • 

      Constantine Markides

      May 19, 2011

      Big Donor K’Ebab,

      I’m always a bit drippy because I spend several hours each day in a pool. As is true of the alcoholic who’s trying to quit, a dry day is a good day.

      So you want to know why so many people like Celine Dion? You mentioned it may be outside my comfort zone, but while I can’t claim any C.D. in my iTunes, I do boast some Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue. There’s a Piece of Me that houses a bumlee-bee sweet spot for bublee-gum pop.

      But on to CD. Her live performance of the Titanic song on YouTube has over 36 million hits. Clearly, yes, people like her. But then what’s her appeal? The first thing to say is that it’s hard to bash her from a technical standpoint. She can sing. But that’s not why some people, or why bumlee-bees like yourself, cringe to hear her. I’d also say it’s not her voice that explains her appeal but rather how she wields it and the kind of spark that that generates in others.

      This is where Celine differs from Britney and Kylie. Whereas B&K make you want to teenybop, CD makes you want to (if not flee) soar. You can tell by her music that she’s not content with evoking dance floor jigs. She wants to thump her chest, throw her arms out, and sustain that one operatic note while levitating off angelically into the sunset.

      This is what people love about her. And what they hate. Unlike her pessimistic French namesake who wrote the awesomely merciless “Journey to the End of the Night,” Celine is the perpetual sugar-utopian. Listening to “Power of Love” just now, I thought, yes, this was the kind of love ballad in the closing set of junior high dances (back when they were PG) when I would nervously make the move, or at least consider making the move, from a hands-on-her-hips position to a fingers-interlaced-behind-her-back position. CD is the supreme troubadour diva, her power ballads the syrupy counterpart to Poison’s Every Rose Has its Thorn.

      The problem with her gooey lyrics and vocal flights (besides the goo) is that all of this junior high hearthrobbing is a pie in the sky mirage to us jaded adults. It’s a castle made of sand. That’s why some of us hate it — because it rings false — and that’s why others love it — because we want to believe in it. The rote drudgery of daily life and the callous, brutal facts of real world romance and heartbreak are worth escaping, even momentarily in illusion. It’s easy to be scornful, but in the end we all want to be up there on the prow of the Titanic, arms extended and locks billowing in the seabreeze while Celine Dion’s music rings out majestically before us.

      Well, some of us do…

      Hope that helped give you one more way to see the world out of those multi-faceted bumlee-bee eyes of yours.

      Stay sizzly,

      -BCM

      Reply
30. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 17, 2011

    Vasia, gaffanoon!

    Iffyews gossafew seckas, I’s curriss bous sunthin.

    Chew seem lakyew goss yor hed on stray, so I’s valyew yo pinion. Hell, alla yawl seem like coo foke. I’ss uddan’t mine nockabak a few cole ones wichall.

    Henneway, da queshun isdiss…

    Wheye, do peepus valyew dreems mo dan daydreems? Why’s daydreemin fraunna-pawn? Days juss as legit assa regla dreem, hain’ts day? Cudcha splain pleese? I’s dyenna kno.

    Yo whirrs matta!

    Preeshatit Core-Vas-I-A!

    Stay Are-ee-EMMy baby!

    -Tha BDK

    WERD

    Reply
    • 

      Vasia

      May 18, 2011

      Howdy Big Don!

      I’m glad you’re turning the tables on us a bit and allowing your own curiosity to come forth. You’ve done your share of answering, so it’s only fair for us to do ours. That said, you’re a tough act to follow!

      But, you did ask an excellent question:
      Why is daydreaming frowned upon versus night dreaming?

      I think it’s quite simple really. At night, we have no responsibility but to let our bodies rest, so we’re only accountable to ourselves and no one else. Therefore, we have the freedom to fly off high rises, fight off monstrous beasts, travel to undiscovered planets, dance the funk until we melt into the floor, or turn into space invaders. But day dreaming usually happens at the expense of another more assumed “productive” activity, interfering with the “important” matters in our lives such as photocopying, attending VIP meetings, paying bills, shopping, voting, etc. Some of these activities, if you’re daydreaming (which I do very frequently by the way), will be compromised. But some may be bolstered. I personally believe that if more people had fun with day dreaming under these conditions, they’d be more fulfilled as individuals and the world would be a healthier, happier place to inhabit. But unfortunately, many day dreamers in today’s society are plagued by neurotic thoughts, paranoia, fear, and anxiety, instead of Caribbean fishing adventures, cave explorations, or visions of world peace.

      I agree with you in that day dreaming has just as much value as night dreaming. It serves as a bridge between the subconscious and the rational worlds allowing for creativity and the “muthafuckin’ spark” to come and shake things up out of their routine-induced stupor. I also think day dreaming plays a role in determining the outcome of our lives, in the sense that thoughts create our reality, so if you keep ‘em juicy and exciting, your life will likely turn out that way. If you keep them dull and uninvolved, your life will likely be that way, don’t you think? My personal technique is to be present as much as possible (without daydreams) in moments that feel nourishing and buzzy, and to retreat into the imagination during moments that abduct the life from the living.

      Does this make sense? I could go on for a while, but I’ll leave it there.

      Oh, and when you signed off “Stay Are-ee-EMMy,” were you referencing the Eastern Mennonite Missions or the Episcopal Migration Ministries along with REM sleep? Just curious…

      Stay In-Choir-Ring baby!

      Respect.

      -Vasia

      Reply
      • 

        Big Don K'Shayne

        May 18, 2011

        Vassa la Visa, baby!

        High likes yo anssa! Leevit to you’s to cuttew da harr a da mattah an splainnit like iddiz. Vassa’s cuttina meet offa bone yawl!

        Hiss-sah-viuss! Issa cappa-lissic ka-spirra-see ta keep da mines a da massas stuckinna doledrum a dair daily roo-teen! Hiss play-nass day!

        Yew dew brinnup an esslen poin! New-roe-seas, purrnoya, furs, anne anks-eye-atees awl can iffatray da Big Rok Candis Mount-tahn a da swee-swee day-dreemz.

        I’s glad yew thank day-dreema issa valu. Cuzzitiss! Ann ittake a lone ass time ta settup!

        Byda way, I’s likin yo day-dreema ass a sheel gainst lafless, souless mominss. Issa good teneek!

        Ta ansa yo queshin… no, I’s wain’t refressa nuthins. I’s juss thowt dat EMM lu-kool kappalize lie dat.

        Fo sho!

        Stay impeckablee riss-peckable baby!

        -Tha BDK

        WERD

        Reply
31. 

    seldom seen

    May 18, 2011

    For the life of my i can’t figure why anyone is wasting their time reading this garbage. I just spent an hour or so scrolling down through all this and my conclusion was one of irritation-thats a goddamned hour i’ll never get back.
    if the yellow shirts are right, at least the world deals with this jackass for only 3 more days. Honestly, i’d rather watch old re runs of Glen Beck.

    Reply
    • 

      Constantine Markides

      May 18, 2011

      It’s probably because watching Glenn Beck has muddied your judgment. If I were you I’d stay away from his shows and keep reading more BDK, aloud preferably, to purge the toxins from your system.

      Reply
32. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 18, 2011

    Yo! I’ss coo Con Man, issa givun dat diss ain’ts fo effraboddis taise.

    My whirrs, dicksha, an voe-cab-larry issun fo awl t’apreeshyate.

    I’s mo surrpreye dat its tooka 1 hoe ah-wah ta reed my shit.

    Dig?

    Stay brisslee and Beck-free yawl.

    - Tha BDK

    WERD

    Reply
    • 

      Constantine Markides

      May 18, 2011

      I wasn’t jumping to your defense, BDK. I know you can hold your own. I was just chiming in out of concern that Seldom Seen might start watching Glenn Beck reruns. Friends have to look out for one another.

      Reply
33. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 18, 2011

    So lookahyuh!

    I’s sees we’s reach a poin in da postes whirrs thains slo downs, peepa git antsee, an I’s alladssa preech a mommun abouss whasevah’s I’s wants.

    So, seeins as how luvs an loss an dreemses wass topics errier, I’s assided a tawk soe mo bouss doze issha.

    Hyuh I’s go.

    So, with weatha roun da cunrry bein what it is, I’s capabulsa a trabblin an enjoyins whatteva wetha soots me.

    Suntime I’s wannin sunshieny tingly tangalee ness, otha times I’s needs a gray an rain to git tha creatuff jooses a flowin. Dig?

    Busseye gotssa say, days nuthin kweye lie the furss few day a nice wethus in playsa dat been sturgulin wiff bad wethus.

    So, afore I’s starred on dis ere lil trup, I’s assided dat maybees, ders somethin bout dat bummba-dream I’ssa had dat I shoulds essplore furrer.

    It took Ole Don a while, butta venshualee, I’s foun a wortha bummalee bee to house Big Don’s gurth a while.

    So, I’s buzzin roun, minin my owns, yous unnersan? Juss leddin da windy take my yella-banda black ass where the windy wandametoo. Gittina feel fo tha way da bummala-bee hannul awn da road. Dig?

    An, well, der mussa been cerran serrandipidus forsceps sat work, yunnerssan, ackuz I’s suddly struck by a vishun a flowery luvaleeness, dat I’s ain’ts evah encounnered.

    Ya’ll, whens I’s say dat it was beautiss and lullyness flowerafied, I’s not playins. Da Big Don was bzzzmitten. I’s nerr seen sucha curree petal vishuna lullyness evah.

    So, itwas den dat I’s realize the windy was tessin me! Ta reech da lully flarry, I’s goins to haffta fly inoo da windy!

    De mo I’s flapp my litta bummalee weengs, da mo it seemm ta take ta git der. But seein such flarry lullyness in such brite, cullfull, flarry procksimitay, I’s hadsa try as hardass I’s cood.

    So I’s did!

    And eveshually, I’s rewarred fo my effuss, an I’s reech tha lusha sorrs of vishua delishaness dat hads cot my litta arthropod eyes. And ya’ll, dat flarra wah sweetah smah-lin an lullier up cloess dan it wah frum farraway.

    Fo reels.

    So derr I’s wass. Awl siss uffa my litta legs owna most delishuss, lush petally firmness I’s evah had the bummalee plesha a seein.

    It wassat dat mommen dat I’s ree-lize, I’s done speek flarry! Inn flarry-speek, I’s coe-pleelee hillitrat.

    An, farraseye cood tell, dat flarry dain’t speek bummalee bee eetha!

    “Well….. shit!” I’s sed too ma-seff. Cepp, its comes out awl buzzy, so issounded mo like “Wllzz…… bzzzit!”

    So, I’s wassun deesooaded. I’s instanly, beganna doo what cames nachralee a mee at dat inssan.

    Dass rite! I’s starred a dance.

    I’s tried efrathan! Two-sepp, Swinga, Walls, Murrangay, Sowsah, effrathan! Juss when I’ssa boussa giffup, oneameye siss lil leggies gots tangad up anneye fell ritentoo the mose lushus pile a flarry nectah evah!

    Da lully flarry dain’t seema minds my un-ginnamalee bee-hayurr, so I’s stay there, lappin up da sweet sweetneh a dat lulliest a lullies.

    I’s in bummalee bee bliss. Lemee tell yawl som’n, bees has gossa swee-toof frum hell! Days hin-saycha-bull! I’s tookins so much necta, I’s dain’t think I’s caypa-bus a flite! I’s heaviss ass shit!

    Well yawl, affa suchan intennse make out sesha with such a delisha lullyness, an me beyan a novuss bummalee bee, my litta bummalee pro-bossa was a lil tarred and my litta bummalee lips was chap as hell!

    Still are! Buchoo no? I’s dooit all ovah agains yawl. Surrisslee.

    Henneway, I’s plannin on visstin that lully flarry as offun as I’s can, annas offun as she wans my bumalee company!

    Bee-sighs, I’s still cain’t fine da zippa in this mutha so I’s stuck heres a while! Bein buzzy hassits priffalajess.

    Fo Sho!

    Stay polleny peepus!

    -Tha BDK

    WERD

    Reply
34. 

    James Warfield

    May 18, 2011

    Hey BDK,

    Sorry to delay, my internet connection went out of orbit for awhile. But, I too feel unsatisfied with my response to your response to my questions. There’s just some much more to be broken down. I can tell you that the Monday class was totally… different. In fact, it was actually beautiful. But that’s all I can share right now, give me a day or two. if your interest doesn’t wane, I’ll have the full scoop ready in just a bit! Take care -”jimbo”

    Reply
35. 

    Blackness

    May 20, 2011

    Yo, Big DK, What it did?

    So when I look back through the files of my life, which aren’t many b/c the sweet nectar of alcohol as washed away most of the internal hard drive, I try and wonder what my favorite moments are. Then I though, well, what if I lived forever, which made me think of The BDK and I wondered, as you yourself look back throughout time and space, what was the most appealing time to you and why? What makes the BDK, The Mutha Fuckin’ BDK? What was the inspirational drive for the mutha fuckin’ spark? How does one, such as yourself, deliver in the manner you do?

    Also, are you death?

    Thanks BKD!

    Reply
36. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    May 21, 2011

    Blackness! Dawknessa Nite!

    Drop dat shuva cuz yews diggin deep!

    Is yew is or is yews ain’ts tryenna may Ole Don krylacka babies?

    Wella I’s ain’ts goenna cries, annit hain’ts owenna counce samie noss haffinn nenny teer ducks.

    Tryenna gits me awl nudssaljick an shit izz by isseff a consadishun.

    Why? I’s fiddinna tell yew.

    Cuz, I ain’ts bounce by times oar spayss. Da BDK issa like Ole Billy Piggrims, I’s comes unsuck frum time. Buss eye can dewsit whenneffas eye wann.

    Iss tru! I’s can doo it hat wills.

    Thess juss wan cash doe.

    Choo-see, thessan unassannin amunns awl us cunsepshul muthas dat iffs we doo trabba backin times, dass we cain innefear, awltars, mod-feye, chainch, or un-doo hennytin dass awlreddy been dun.

    Why’s? I’s fiddina tell yews.

    Da reezun deese unassannins dissimilar play issa cuz awl us cuncepshul muthas issa purry con-pettiff buncha fucks.

    Iffa wees sallow a trabba backin times awlsa tie thens awlsyew haffiss da sayme damn mommun in tie benz cunsissa-lee modfie by awl us cuncepshul muthas ovah an ovah an ovah.

    So wees cummup widdiss unassannin sodat times coods moof. Cha-see?

    Soe, whyssit an unassannin an notchuss a law? I’s fiddina tell yews.

    Cuzziffit wurr a law, denn Kay-Oss udd juss fuckit-awl up outta gin-rull prinssippa. Yunassan?

    Kay-Oss hain’t nussin a mess wiff. I’s awlway try an bee nice a Kay-Oss owna counss a iss gots sum sirrus Ay-Dee-Dee isshas. Yunassan? Dasshitiss ruff.

    Wheyes eye feels likes meye-assiss strayun frumma mane poin?

    Rite! So. Meye favra times? Choo no, I’s awlway parsha to da moe-minn gwen primm-tiff mane furss cree-hatah farr frumma furss muthafuckin spark. Da true spark! I’s proud ass hell dat day, doe toobee fare, hitwassa troo coe-labrasha tween churrs trooly, Cree-ay muthafuckin TV-tee, and Dees-Ire, and Purr-Sissans, and Curry-Ossa-Tee.

    Yep, datwassa good day hindee!

    Bytha way, dat primm-tiff dude’s name’s iss Larry. There’s a buss a his in our hawlla fame.

    I creddit hissass wiff coynin da term da muthafuckin spark. Butt in his natuff tunn iss sounded moe like “gwaaaaahghka raaaaghh”. I’s new whattee mint doe. Ann toobee fare I’s thinnkin muthafuckin spark souns bettah.

    Ta annsah yo otha queshun. No. I’s ain’t deaf… sorry, dat wassa a tiep-hoe, I’s mentoo say, I’s ain’t death.

    I’s cudda tayka dat chob, waybakkinnaday. Busseye dee-sida dat iddabee too dee-pressa foe me.

    Pluss mathamaddix hain’s evah been my stronn-soot. Annchoo gossabee stronn atta mathamaddix iffa yews goenna doo awl dose henna-gee cunvershas ann karma credit ressid-chals, ann giff back proposed chainch. Yunassan?

    Blackness, I’s goenna haffa ansah yo otha queshas inna nutha emay.

    Assyew cansee, I’s goss no problimms tawkins bouss meyeseff.

    Awrite baby, stay dee-voydssa lite!

    -Tha BDK

    Werd

    Reply
37. 

    seldom seen

    May 21, 2011

    hey donka shatyne, (sp)
    how about you type your meanerings down in such a manner that us poor dumb readers can figure out what the hell you’re saying. Nobody is that interested in spending 4 minutes trying to read a 3 word sentence. In the event that what you are saying is actually interesting and relevant, i’m guessing it would be double so if any one had an idea what any of it meant. maybe if you had been around for a little while you’d know that this website has sentimental value for some of us, and desecration doesn’t sit well. so go ahead and enable your spell check, and i for one will give you another shot at not pissing me off.

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 23, 2011

      Yo selda seen,

      I’s noss unnersannin yew. Iffa meye mee-annerins iss in yo mine’s hoepinion soe bu-nal an poinless an shit, den why’s yew spennin so mucha yo enna-gees raysinna ruckus uppin hyuh?

      Iss yew wan a dem dudes dat needsa spew hate jussa feel speshul bouts yoseff?

      I’s aint’s gots matchurral dass goinna convert da un-innressed, da un-majnatiff and da un-innterestin.

      Soe, dat bein seds, why’ontchoo juss stops beinz ‘seldom seen’ an starr beenz ‘nevah hurd’ atlees s’atill fokes whoos genyoulee inneressed in kuntchreebuetin ann innerackin git dair fill.

      Affer dat, we’ssa goen setuppa spesha kennul juss fo yo borin mangie ass. Follo? Or do I’s gossa spells it out slo fo yer ass?

      I’s tinks dat iss abouss timez yew starr to sirrusslee considah addin salads an fibah to yo dieyet.

      Fo reelz…

      Stay conssipaded you dull-ass mutha,

      -The BDK

      WERD

      Reply
38. 

    InfntRnbow

    May 23, 2011

    BDK,

    I bee seein’ yo blog fer da month, you much better than the reglar guy.

    Get yo own shit, man!

    Anyways, I’m writing to expose a topic you avoiden. (And I don’t expose misseff to juss anyone.) You keep talking ‘bout love, but you painting it like it only tween man anna womyn. All you readers got the wrong idea ‘bout love.

    The bumblebee? C’mon, man – you gotta piston? I thoughts you was omniscient or sumthin? If you is then you knows that whole gender notion is a crock a shit. I mean no harm bro but surriously, don forget gender don’t exist. Biologically speaking, personality speaking, we all on a spectrum, man!

    You gottsa represent the whole pack!

    Now, what I really wanna ass yo ass is quite simple: do you think that man and woman is a biological fact, or a socially created idea?

    Inqueering minds wanna know…

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 25, 2011

      Innfina,

      Thanss fo yo queshun.

      Cuppa tangs riddoffda bat.

      Firss, diss ere aint’s ma blogs. I’s juss giffa da hoppatoonatee ta contreebuets tuddis Forffnite.

      Seccond, I’s not betta or wurse dan annyboddis else up in dis mutha. I’s juss diffrenn.

      I’s juss a creatiff mutha who goss my hoen queshuns bouss huma-kine. So, no, I’s doen no whirr chew got dat shit, buss I’s hain’ts haul-knowin, hom-nitchant an shit. Dair’s no such tang.

      Hoerite, now lets tawkabouss loves an shit. I’s wassun avoidinssit, notta tall. I’s juss take far granna dat heffreyboddis noe by now whirr I’s stann on dat mattah. So, I’s goenna taka seck an anssa yo queer-e.

      Purrhaps yew aint’s red betweena line buts I’s hallway been sayin dat da furss an mose himpporran thin in diss ere short ass essistance yawl’ssis gots iss dat chews gossabee tru ta ya own damn seff.

      Hain’ts noeboddis ess goenna maychoo happiss iff chewss ain’ts capabulls offit yoseff firrss. Dig?

      Dat hinclues love baby! You gots ta love yoseff firss bafoe you can giffit. Soe, I’s notta wares a how I’s wuz painnin it in cho mine’s eye, but dis hyuh is how I’s wanchoo ta unnerssan whirrs I’s stannin.

      Da bummale-bee issa purrffa essampah a love! Dat litta bummalee-mutha feels nutha but love to all da flarry creecha in da whirr, notchuss bummalee-bee kind! Follo?

      So, na’less talka bouss genda. Which-eye can tells issa spesha himporrance ta yew.

      Inna sents, churr-rite, dair ain’t no genda. You’s ain’t digitull in dat sense, in dat churr eitha diss or dat, a wan orra zee-roe. Hit done wirr dat way.

      Dair’ssa hoe range inn between, or a spectra, like chew juss says.

      Buss yew broad-up bi-hollo-chiss, so less tawk boutit a secka. Now, diss part a da convasaycha iss jussabout parts, sex-chooal equimment. Follo?

      Less eye-denna-fye da whole pack, like chew said. Hass farras equimment goes, da fizz-cull parts dat help eye-denna-fye bi-hollo-chiss dair harr foe (4) cat-gorris:

      Thers 1- Fee-mail parts 2- Mail parts 3-Boff parts or Hurr-mafra-dice 4- No parts

      Now, dassiss notsa ends a bi-hollo-chee, no.

      D’airs hallso da kemmas-tree ann da hee-lecktrickull wirerins dat alao yew to fall-in sumplace in da spectra, in da range. Follo?

      Dairs doze amung chall dat have the numma #1 fee-mail parts, but day feels like dair kemmas-tree an dair hee-lecktrickull wirerins make dem mails or sumtha elss. Or peepa dat haff numma #2 mail bits but hinnseye day feel fee-mail or sumtha elss.

      Dairs haul kinsa combi-nashuss! Hiss-true. Like chew says, issa spectra.

      So… ta anssah yo lass queshun… is man an woman bi-hollo-chiss or soe-chull construcks. Well… dassa trick quesha baby. Soe-chull thinkin, an soe-seye-tee ass a hoe iss onlee possa-bull bee-cuz of cho yew-neek hue-min bi-hollo-chee.

      BUT… like-eyes toad yous juss now, dair’s mo dan juss man an woman, its juss yo deffnisha of hue-mana-tee dass all jackt-up.

      Sho, da tra-dishna man an womans combo iss gonna haff a cirran holt-off soe-seye-tee owna-count dat dass da onla combo dat can natchralee prappa-gay da spee-shees.

      Juss remmemma, an heere’s da bigga pitcha I’s hoepin chew wakkaway wiff. Its took enn-less chen-rashuns a pee-pa comin togetha in love an care fo wanna nutha to da enn-prodduck that is yew ta-day. Awl chews goss to do iss recannize that love an care ant passit down tooda ness genrasha, bee it thru yo own off-sprinn or thru da love dat chew gifft ta othas effra-day.

      Dass it. I’s hoep diss hepped you out.

      Stay queer-and spectra baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
39. 

    seldom seen

    May 24, 2011

    biggis donkis,
    2 snide emails on my part and you resort to name calling? toughen up. its sad and a little pathetic.
    i’ve been meaning to ask if you have a job?
    and what happened to all those people (both of them) that are “kuntchreebuetin”?
    i’m having fun now- hope you are too.

    seldom

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 26, 2011

      Selda,

      I’s glad you’s havinna good times, feyenalee. Butts, less bee clears fore a secka, isswass churrass dat starred wiffawl da name callin. Donka Shatyne… nots neerliss ass cleva as biggis donkis.

      Henneways… lonss ass yews haffin fun fineliss I’s spose we’s can moof awn an shit. Cool?

      Ta anssa yo queshun, no. I’s hain’ts gotta job, hatlease notssinna senze you’s assin bouts.

      A job, innda senze you’s assin bouts, issa monna-taree rep-sintashun uffa coe-lecksha of cumbine skill happlie ovah a set amouns of time. Follo?

      Time don’t happlie ta me, notchamensha dats they’s ain’ts a way in hell ta place a purr-hour val-yew on meye skillz-sets.

      So, whatchew doo wiff yo time whens you’s not sayin how mush diss’ere pose a mines suck-ass?

      Juss curruss.

      Stay hennertained baby.

      -Tha BDK

      Werd.

      Reply
40. 

    James Warfield

    May 24, 2011

    Hey Big Don,

    You asked for a follow up on the seminar…it’s here (and lengthy so get comfortable). It’s not really a question though, so much as a story. But I’d love to know how you think the statement “you must die to be re-born” fits into it.

    Here’s what happened..

    You have some context already: we know that this critical race seminar has been overtly, unapologetically, contentious. Early on I committed myself to practicing critical consciousness at all times during discussion thus, I disavowed myself from the luxury of fear that keeps us silent. Not caring if I was judged, disagreed with, or sounded ignorant (because I am in many ways), I spoke my mind.

    There was one thing however that I’ve been thinking yet, afraid to say for a few weeks. Throughout the entire seminar, I have felt, that the people who identify as “other” intentionally dominated the space effectively oppressing the voices of those who posses the privilege we are trying to deconstruct. In essence I felt that the oppressed had become the oppressors. And to me, that is a twisted, fucked up aspect of human nature that needs to be examined in and of itself.

    Conjuring up my critical consciousness I spoke from my experience. I don’t remember what I said, but I know what I meant to say: “I think a dynamic has emerged where the oppressed have become the oppressor. If we don’t think and speak like you, then we are denigrated as inferior. Isn’t that a colonial mentality?”

    Looking around the room -it hit me quick- I said something wrong. WAY wrong. So wrong that two white girls jumped in trying to rescue me! A good friend actually said, “Is that what you mean? Maybe you’re trying to say something else.” To be honest I don’t even know what happened next: I know that people were responding to me, that no one agreed with me, and that I was so shocked my mind went into a fog.

    I had spoken from the heart, torn my innards out displaying them on the table, only to have the entire room snub up its nose and tell me —my insides are ugly.

    I don’t know when I started crying but I just got up and walked out (important to note: the heated nature of this course makes abrupt exits fairly normal for us). I went into the bathroom and sank down in a corner by the door. Feeling dirty in my depths I couldn’t recognize myself, I was staring directly in the face of some really deep shit that stank like yesterday’s manure. But it was inside me. Filthy. My identity as “benevolent” “compassionate” “humanitarian” was suddenly soiled by the realization that I get to “be good” that is part of my privilege. It doesn’t mean that I really am. Slowly it was hitting me how deep, how ugly, how twisted this thing called whiteness is. When I looked in the mirror, repulsion gripped me, my skin looked like a foreign agent attached to a body that was diseased.

    Then I got it together, in a manner of speaking, and went back to class.

    Sitting there with salty tears drying on my flushed face, I began to get angry, really angry. But this time I was fuming at the white girls! There they were, sitting pretty, arms crossed over their chests (symbolizing a closed off position I suddenly found detestable). Their voices were high pitched indicating they were not speaking from the heart, just nodding and agreeing in “fascination”. I felt sick at the sight and sound of them. Literally ill.

    Until I thought: “wait a second, this is what “they” the “others” were talking about the whole time!” For weeks they have been pouring out their life experiences to us sharing the deepest pain of discrimination, degradation, self-loathing, an inability to look at oneself in the mirror because you hate the color of your skin, it makes you feel inherently inferior, ashamed of who you are, where you come from. And there I was finally going through it!! (Albeit differently.) Feeling all of that for a moment, gave me a glimpse into a lifetime of pain, of self-loathing that is imposed on others by my privilege.

    I couldn’t speak much my mind was running too fast to make sense. However, I conjured up enough to say one last thing (that my critical consciousness also made me say). I looked directly in the eyes of the “others” and said: “after I made that comment I felt filthy. The pain of exposing a dark side of myself, to myself, in public was devastating. Now I realize how hard you’ve been struggling to place your pain on the table, working to share yourself, and how infuriating it must be when people say, “I have to process that” or, “how interesting” instead of giving back Truth. Thank you for helping me not to do that.” Their eyes got wider and wider as I was speaking then, big smiles were beaming at me. Followed by sincere, “you’re welcome”.

    I still feel like shit. But, I know I’m moving in the right direction.

    So, whaddya think? Do we have to die in order to be re-born? And what does that mean in this situation?

    Chow for now!
    Jmbo

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 26, 2011

      Daa-yum, Jimbo!

      Sounsse likes chew hass churrsef a lifetime moofis purrsna moemint!

      Dass deep! DEEP!

      Issawl abouss purrsnull growff baby! Bean churrseff an wreckuneyezin da moeminns fo growff whens day happins. Dig?

      Coo…

      So…. dass saed… doo we’s gossa dies tabee reeboer? NO. Chew donts. Chew can gro, adapp, han chainch and himproof yoseff iffayews goss yo eyes an mine hoepen an hass gotsa strenff an kurrach ta chainch.

      Dairs heezee-ur ways a bean ree-bone dan ack-challee dye-yins. Dig?

      Coo…

      Hoe-rite. Stay adattiff baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
41. 

    Vasia

    May 28, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    This site has been a little quiet lately and I’ve missed your wisdom so I thought I would ask another question, if you don’t mind…

    First, what, in your opinion, is the purpose of art in the world, and how does it rank in practical importance next to education, medicine, environmental and human rights work, law, etc., or can we even make such a value judgment?

    Second, do you have a favorite artist or work of art, and if so, would you be willing to share it/him/her?

    Thanks Big D!

    Stay Verbosy!

    Vasia

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 28, 2011

      Hello Miss Biz-Marr-KEY-Diss!

      Dassa good queshun!

      Dennaggen, I’s a bits par-schull. Yunnerssan?

      I’s, a-corse, oweda hoepinion dat hennithin cree-hay-diff issda soup-reme gole dat huemankine can streyeve to.

      Isseh-cent-shell dat assasoe-seyatee yawl’s sall-ways attimp tapurr-sue cree-haytiff end-evers tooda fulliss an esspress yo lifen-times asbestchew can. Dig? Hall-ways purr-sue da zight-guyest at-chur times.

      Dah topicks to pick frums hiss-enless, dass da bee-huetee uffawl diss. Ass-yo soe-seyetee a-vansays, itwull gro and cont-chinuealee ess-pann. May-kinnit rischer an mo capabulls ta anssah da big queshuns hinn life datarr himmporran ta yew.

      Dat mayks da-harrts an da purr-suit uffdem da moest himmporran thinn dair is. Pirrud!

      Heffrethin-nelse sissjussa dair to maykada purr-suit uffa-harts poss-bull.

      Wheye-issa med-sin essist?Hickuz, sum-thin hassoo may’chew feels betturs so chew can gitss backa makin-art.

      Wheyes-siss-dair farmas? Ta feeds da artiss.

      Lie-ka says, I’mma bits par-schull. I’s wassun leye-yin!

      Nah-come cloess-san lissen ta diss shit……

      Dair hissen reela hennythin prattycull bout-dit! Dig? Ta be dunn well, da harts hissabous da mose-sim-pradickal thinninna whirl!

      Da wan thinna dat mays sit pradickal sissa-kneedsa see da harts, ta ess-purrence dem. Peepuls needsa esspurrence daince, -an jazz, -an dill-tabloooos, -an painnin, -an all da otha methuds futha-soul ta sing-out: EYES ALIVE! YES!

      Dassiss-weyes da hartssis himporran baby! Ta feeds da soul an ta-let it sing backat-chew.

      Iss dat an hedge-youkayshun, an then heffreythin-neulse.

      Nows, abouss whethuss a know I’s gossa fay-vra hartiss, well… dairs so menny, mose a dem peepus yo nevah hurrd frum cuzz dey’sis too frayed ta show dair work to da whirl. So, day lie hunniscovid an un-cella-brayted huntil wan day sumboddis stumbass upawnsit an enlitens da ressa’us with dat noolie-foun tressha.

      Tuh-days hawevvas, I’ssa goenna talkaboussa cat dat juss pass thru hyuh knotta cuppa owiss ago. Gil Scott-Heron ain’tsa mung yawl no moes. Hiss-hennagee pass froo hyuh lika bowlt-a rye-chuss litenin! Fo real!

      Dats wunn cat dat chawl kneessa gitsa kwayness with. Sirruslee chawl. Dat was wun deep deep mutha.

      Shiiiiit……

      Ann-chew thots-it I’s wass gonna choosa painna! Rite?

      Picasso?

      Mo like Pick-ass-hoe. Dat muthafucka was wanna da mose underachieffin muthas dat evah lived.

      Shit. Wonce he real-eyes tha heculd make milluns juss by doowina scribbuh owna peesa paper, dat wassit! He stopp giffina fuck. That mutha left chawl witha lot stillin his cree-haydiff tank.

      Churr nevah spota leaf da fizz-cull essistanss a da Erff with juice stillin da tank!

      Shit, dat pissamee off mo dan anythininna whirl! Muthafuckas dyin with essploesiff cree-haydiff mine-o-mite gowinn un-yewze!

      Hawl-rite. Dassaboutit f’dat.

      Hoep dat annsa yo queshun, sissa-gurl.

      Stay hin-quizzy-tive!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
      • 

        Vasia

        June 7, 2011

        Dear Big D,

        I loved your response and I apologize for the delay in mine. There’s so much here to comment on, but mostly wanted to tell you how much I appreciated the idea that medicine, agriculture, and all the other disciplines are there to serve the artists. But creativity exists in everything and it’s the primary force in life that pushes us forward into new realms and new ways of thinking and being. So does that make everyone an artist? Or at least everyone who is trying to make advances in their field (because there are plenty of people who just go by the book and follow the rules as they have been created by those in the past)?

        If serving the artist is why everything exists to begin with, then I find it even more sad that they are one of the ones who struggle the most in their careers. Then again, if they were given endless supplies of comfort and praise they would no longer have the motivation to move and bend reality they way they do. So I suppose I should stop complaining about my constant state of impoverishment and start using that fuel under my tush to make better work!

        Thanks for the wisdom, as always, Big Don!

        Stay in-SPIRE-ring!

        Vasia la Vissa

        Reply
        • 

          Big Don K'Shayne

          June 8, 2011

          Vasia la Vissa,

          Chew hitssa nailon da hed aggine.

          Iffs der was a furmal syssem tha sell-brayed da harrist whurr all harrists led a pampad life, den heffreeboddis woulds wanna bee a harrist. Honely by suffrin an struggallin do yew proove cho worff han rise tooda top.

          Jussass chewdoo wiff heffrathin. Strugga, ann swet, ann mo strugga ann mo swet is da fie-yuss dat tempess da harrists blade. Dig?

          Coo….

          Hallways looka foewah tooda queshun frum da Viz Marr-Key-diss!

          Hallways hinn-seye-full.

          Stay harrtissick baby!

          -Tha BDK

          Werd

          Reply
42. 

    seldom seen

    May 28, 2011

    Oh Vasia,
    what are you doing? can’t you see that you’re just setting up the donki cong for a fall? you know as well as i do that, in the event that he actually knows an artist, it’ll be primarily because he just learned how to use google. Before he feels the need to sound whatever way it is he’s trying to sound, let me go ahead and answer that “favorite artist” question for you. Rembrandt. No no no, Picasso. Yah, thats it.
    Please.
    And what is this “favorite artist” thing, anyhow? Sounds distinctly like 10th grade.
    Maybe a more fitting question would be, how about a twitter account, donny boy? facebook?
    yup- didn’t think so.

    Reply
    • 

      Constantine Markides

      May 28, 2011

      What’s the deal, man? I wrote in the intro to this point that no question is too strange or mundane. Don’t be the snotty kid snickering in the back of the classroom by insulting reader’s questions. ESPECIALLY when that reader is my sister.

      Also, considering your snide, as you openly admitted, responses to BDK, he’s been pretty damn gracious with you. And all you can offer in return is an insult? Since you like the junior high / high school theme, perhaps you should consider writing “I won’t be an ass and a bully on other people’s websites” on the blackboard 100 times.

      That said, I don’t buy this facade you’re putting on. Maybe it’s just that you have a question to ask but you’re feeling uncomfortable about querying the BDK. Go on then. Don’t be shy…

      Reply
    • 

      Vasia

      May 28, 2011

      Seldom Seen, or should I call you SS instead? Perhaps more fitting…

      First off, I was not directing my question to you, and even though you feel inclined to answer it, I am still awaiting the BDK’s answer, which will no doubt will be infinitely more satisfying than yours.

      If insult is your idea of entertainment then you best take some lessons from some of those who have mastered, through the use of actual humor, the art of constructive criticism (Colbert, John Stewart, etc.) Maybe while you’re at it you can pick up this book: http://www.amazon.com/Dalai-Lamas-Book-Love-Compassion/dp/000712287X.
      We have enough sour apples in the world to spoil the rest of the lot. We certainly don’t need more.

      Have you considered taking a vacation or restructuring your life?
      It’s never too late for a change SS.

      Peace.

      Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      May 28, 2011

      Oh, I’s feel fo yew man. I’s reely do.
      You’s a sad-sad cat if chewsiss really diss sinny-kull.

      An whoevah sayds datt I’s don’t haffa faize-books?

      I’s do issa juss dairs notssa lotta peepus iss reddys ta imbraise da BDK in sucha vissiba manna as faize-books. Dig?

      Haul-rite, eet-cho feye-burr man, chewl feel bedda.

      Stay plugg-up.

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
43. 

    seldom seen

    June 1, 2011

    Vasia, Constantine, and of course, Donna K,
    I write before you a humbled man. I feel i owe an apology, which is about the most difficult thing i can think of to do, to all of you. My intent was never to insult, or belittle, any subject that you all brought up. Or even have my criticism of all this create bad feelings and comparisons to Nazi germany.
    I have always thrived on a tendency (and joy) to fire people up, present outrageous view points, and a personal quest to see folks riled up over what is, at best, not worth losing sleep over. What is unfortunate is that my attempts at this enterprise in sarcasm and humor have gone quite terribly wrong. I’m frustrated that my comments have been seen as insults before anything else. Its irritating to me that it has all come to this- and likely my fault to boot.
    So i ask a question, and propose a challenge. The question is simple, really.
    Don Father- what are your intentions?
    The challenge is equally doable-
    You post your facebook account here, on this website, and i will do the same.
    Or we can just forget it all, go about our merry ways, (or marrying ways) and talk about it later over the cribbage board.
    in a rare moment of humbleness, i remain,
    seldom seen.

    Reply
    • 

      Vasia

      June 3, 2011

      Seldom -

      Now THAT was a nice message and the Seldom Seen we know and love. I retract my fascist (albeit playful) nickname for you, which you never actually deserved. I understand that must have been quite a blow.

      I’m glad your intention was humor with all of it, and just like you attempted with us, we should be able to tell each other when our jokes are falling off the mark. That’s the only real path to self-improvement.

      Thanks for setting aside your pride and doing what makes you uncomfortable. I’m about to eat a lobster to that, on your behalf. And I’ll also toast one to your upcoming wedding.

      Cheers,
      Vasia

      Reply
44. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    June 5, 2011

    Seldom,

    I’s pleassas hell a-hear dat chews seen da erra afya seldom wayes. Oar hatlees reel-hizessat chore com-dee wassan cachin own likechew was hoepin fore. Hatlees chewsiss bignuff ta hadmittit.

    Meyes hintenshunsis cleere. Ta help moda-vate, hinsspire, an ree-lease choe cree-hay-diff joo-suss frum da moe-knotta-knee ufda roo-teens a daylee life.

    I’s leedin a prissin brake. I’s reddy tadoo whateva ittakessa buss yo cree-hay-diff mine-a-mite owchoe brainy Halkatrazz. Dig?

    Issa Grey Usscape! I’s reddy ta be da tunna king ta buss yew free a da stall-ag! Ya follow?

    Whattevas iddiz holin yewsass up frum beein a lethul cree-hay-diff sam-youre-eye, I’s goinna tell yew how-da-feetit!

    Coo….

    Assfarris da faze-book, I’m easy ta fine baby! I’s da onla Big Don K’Shayne there’s is. Look fer da harm-onnu-cuz.

    Frenn me baby!

    Ryech-naw I’s honelee frenz wiff ma Moss-Cow Hip Hop Moe-Gull brutha, da Cagey-Bee Gunz. So dairs nammush conva-sayshun.

    Tawktaya layta.

    Stay hummbul ann hapollo-jettic, baby.

    -Tha BDK

    Reply
45. 

    Alexoid

    June 6, 2011

    Big Don,

    I think it’s time to get back to what’s important and somewhat more topical — who would win in a fight, Thor or The Green Lantern? And what is your stance on sidekicks?

    — Alex

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      June 7, 2011

      Hooooweee Baby!

      Furss parrta diss queshuns ezee!

      Thor wins, hanss-down! Da manss a dee-atee! Hissa god!! Thassa defna vannudge inna fight! He controw da thunna, anda rain! Han-bye controwin rain, he awsoe controw da seye-cka a furr-tilly-tee! Dassa parrful force! Plants an hannimuls cain’t git freeky wiffoudda hepp uff ole Thor!

      ANN he karris a damn hammah name Ma-Jowel-Murr! Dassa bad name!

      Lemme puttit nutha way. Da man hassa dayadda week naimaffa hissass! A dayadda week! Thursday!

      Not-eevah Oprah hassdat!

      Iss dair a Green Lannah day uffa week? No! Munnay, Toossay, Greenday…. NOPE.

      Da man’s only gotta maj-cull ring!? Whassee gowindo wiffat? Bling ya ta deff?

      Hoe-kay…. nah, tooda meeta da queshun. Looka-hyuh!

      Sigh-kix!

      Sigh-kix is no good! I’s nevah lika annyadem. Nun! Nevah! All day do is watah down da sauce! Dig? They thinn downda mix. Awlla greats had no sigh-kix. Soupaman ain’ts had one! Dassawl I’s gotta say.

      Days poinless! Frum Robbins ta Scrappiss-Doo, days hain’ts been a singa ree-deemin kwal-tee bout henny sigh-kix evah. Days juss bad commicra-leef!

      Hoe-kay, I’s hoeps diss anssah-cho queshun.

      Stay Dee-Cee Marbullous baby!

      -Tha BDK

      WERD

      Reply
46. 

    mafalda

    June 15, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    Why do I turn to heavy drinking in times of both great joy and great sorrow?
    And yes, my mother named me after a cartoon.

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      June 15, 2011

      Maw-Fallda!

      Wassup baby! Chew shuddna feel baddsabouss yo name. I’s likinit! Hissnot heffreeboddis dat can say day’s naymt affa a bad mutha uffa comickstrippy.

      Juss thank! Chew’s couldda beent name affa a pressdent like Ray-gun, or Nicks-un, or Dubya! Datta been da worss!

      Harr chew a shortie and too-dee-mentia-nal like Maw-Fallda? Oar doo chews got a flattop buddy naimt Man-Ow-Low?

      Juss curruss…..

      Henneway, yo drankin!

      Baby, da drinky don’t do nuthin but lift da vales a soshul norrms dat repress yo feelins from comin forff! Yunnerssan?

      Yo heemoshuns git hawl penn-tup but chew cain’t lettem loose huppown da whirl sumtimes iff chew cain’t loosen up da noose ant let yo hee-moe-shunal doggies run loose, ya git me?

      Dass why churrass is confuse ass-ta why ya taka drinkie boff in goot-ties, hant da bad-ties. Dig?

      Da honelee prollem cums when chew use da boozee ta cleer-outta da soshul norms when chew hain’t spota to. Chew no? Likat kids tee-bawl games, oar hinna moenin beefore werk, dass no good baby!

      Hokay, I’s hoep diss ere hepped chew-ass out wiff yo queshun.

      Ant I’s hoepin dat chool himbrayss yo name frum nawon. Dig?

      Stay comick-strippy baby.

      - Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
47. 

    Lex

    June 20, 2011

    Don,

    Why don’t they have cheese in aerosol cans in continental Europe?

    I’m curious… Thanks.

    Danke!

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      June 22, 2011

      Lex,

      Sheeet! I’s ain’t gotta slitass hideeuss. Tho iffeye hadda tayka wile-ass gess, I’s thank issa trick queshun, and dat dair hain’t no aero-soul cheese hennywere. Hammeye rite?

      Aero-soul meensat da pro-pellan mixass wiff tha susstans bein propelt, in diss case issa cheese. An da cheese hain’t foe-mee whensits cummin out, so I’s thankin issjuss pushtout witha sprang or somthin.

      Soe, wassa anssa then?

      I’s curruss!

      Stay cheesy baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
48. 

    Lex

    June 20, 2011

    Don,

    Wait! I have another question that is deeper than my last.

    Why are people greedy? You can’t take it with you when you die.

    What are your thoughts?

    Thanks again!

    Lex

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      June 22, 2011

      Lexicon!

      Wassup again baby!

      I’s happreeshee-atein yo queshuns. Sirruslee.

      Haulrite. Greed…. why’s peepus so greedy? Dassa good queshun baby!

      Fo peepus dassiss greediss, greed iss da fuel dat runs da masheen dat giffsdem powah. Ya follow?

      Wiffout greed, day’s hain’t gots no modiefashun ta hackwire, ant wiffout hackwie-sishuns day hain’t gots no heffidense a dair status, ore uffdair cap-ass-eetee to hackwire. Dig?

      So, greediss dee-wreckly conneckted ta seff-worff.

      Peepuss who’siss greedis juss hain’t got no otha way a feelin goodabout dairseffs. Follo?

      Dass why cree-hayshun ant cree-haytiffity hissoe hinnporrant! Iff yew assa purssa git yo seff-worff frum makin ratha than gittin, then youssabee a happy-ass muthafuck, an iff yew hap-lie dat concep ta heffriewan own da planet, den tha ho whirl-abee a betta place fo sho!

      Dig?

      Dass why dairs greed! Muthafucks iss juss too uncreatiff, or day’s missguyded dair cree-haydiff joosess towarrs hack-why-arin ratha than makin.

      Ya feelin diss?

      Coo…

      Hokay! Stay ungreedy baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
49. 

    James Warfield

    June 21, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    What do you think about divination? Do you believe in things like astrology, tarot, or psychic dreams (awake or asleep)?

    If these things exist and hold predictive power then, what does that indicate about free will? Do we have it?

    Thanks in advance for your insight!
    ~JW

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      June 23, 2011

      Jimmy Jam Jimbo Bango Bongo!

      Howya doin’ Ja’Dub?

      Addawayda step up and aska tuff queshun!

      Now lookie-hyuh, hee’s da deel wiff dee-va-nashun.

      Evens doe I’s hang out wiff Thor and utha dee-atees haulda time, I’s kno firra damn fack dat dee-va-nashun hain’t gonnadew yerass no good hatall.

      Da reesoniss dat moes dee-atees iss too seff-obsess wiff theyseff ta reely giffa fuckabouss chew hoar chewr consirns. Dig?

      Hand when’s days ain’t seff obssest, days obssest wit heech otha!

      I’s sirrus man! Issa messtup ree-hala-tee sho wiff all their asses. Who is Zeus’s ass sleepin wiff? Did Apollo git da new modull yeer Caddy? Iss Quessal-Co-Atall sportin new fethars?

      Hits stoopid baby!

      So, divinashun iss daing neer poinless. Iss like tryinna use yo bussed up Beta-macks ta lookat innermess paiges onda innernet! Juss no good!

      Chews on yer own fo dat shit!

      Hass-trallagee, Tar-hoe, Sigh-kiss, days haul a waissa ya cash-munny baby!

      Dreams-iss sumthin else do. Dreams hain’ts goinna tell churrass whass goinna happen, but thay can hepp yer ass out in knowin things dat chew’s been hoeverlookin. Dig?

      Oar thangs dat outsigh forces hiss tryinna git froo ta yer ass and cloo you into, but churassiss bline-an-deff!

      Dreams hain’t nevah goenna tell yer ass eggsacklee whass goinna happens. Ya dig? Iff churr assiss lucka, day may giff yerass a hint as to wat churass shud paya-tensha to.

      For real!

      So… juss ta be cleah!Lettuce ree-vu!

      A- Dee-atees don’t giffafuck abouss churrass an day done lissan to yo pleese oar consurnts.

      B- Hass-trallagee, Tar-hoe, Sigh-kiss an awl dat shit issall bullshit. Iff you spenn money own days asses, chuss no dat I’s goenna sho up and giff churass a slap to yo mine. Dig? I’s goenna punch yew in da brane!

      C- Lissen to yo dreams, awaike and assleep.

      D- An fine-lee, chewsiss da honelee wan dat is writin the scripp to da life a you! Dig? So done take dat shit fo granned.

      Haulrite. Thanks fo da queshun.

      Stay free willy, baby.

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
50. 

    Lex

    June 21, 2011

    I beleive in nothing of the sort.
    They do not exist or hold any power.
    Free wll exists but no one bothers to try using it anymore.

    Reply
51. 

    Monika

    June 27, 2011

    Dear Big Don!

    I heard so much about you, and am looking forward to your answer to a question that has been on my mind for a while. Being a woman (at least last time I checked), I find that we have the disadvantage in most situations in life compared to our male counterparts. And I’m not just talking about living in a man’s world, but even by virtue of biological facts. I mean…we have to suffer through that bloody week every month (and the Godzilla personality metamorphosis it brings on), and many of us get paid less for the same jobs as our male colleagues, just to name a few issues.
    So, where is the advantage of being a woman?

    Thanks! Looking forward to your wisdom…

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      June 28, 2011

      Wassup Har-Monika?

      I’s happyahsee hanutha ladiss bringginna tough queshuns fo da Don.

      So, chewsiss sayinn dat iss-like da Soul Brutha Nummah One said, diss issa man’s whirrl.

      How-evuss, ittabee nuthin wiffout a woman oar a gurl…. dat linessis in da song too.

      Hokay, so less lookat chore harguemint.

      Chewsiss sayin dat hinn mose sitcha-hatians in life dat da ladiss issada diss-adffantach compairt ta men foke soe dairfo da ladie foke gotssit whirrse dan da men foke.

      Well, whas sitchoo-haitians iss yew tawkins bout?

      Yew ladiss gotsit purrty good in lossaways dat chew done heefen recannize!

      Less-see. Fo starrars, da ladie foke matshure fassar dan de men foke, duss praparrin yew fo da ree-hallitees a life fassar dan menz foke.

      Honelee da ladie foke git ta cree-hate life hindair wooms. Fo sho.

      Dair’s laydees nites at bars, I’s sho moe dan mosta da ladie foke out dare has-use dat pribbalitch on moe dan one hoe-kayshun.

      Han chew ladiss live-longah danda men foke.

      Remmemmah dat! Hinn mose cutchirrs, hone haffrage, da ladiss live abouss 5 ta 6 yees longa dan men foke.

      Hat-leese chew yewstoo!

      I’s goenna gitta dat henna bit.

      Soe, backinna twenniss han thirriss diss cuntree was tryenna diggitssass outtadah Grate Deepresha. Hand denn, Whirrl Woah Two got starred thus senninn a buncha men foke offta woah ova-sees hann leefin da ladie foke ta taikova da mannafatchurrin jobs hyuh.

      Row-see da Ribbatah han awl dat shit, dig?

      So, when da men foke cummback frum da feyetin in da woah ova-sees, days foundaseff mixt-inn witha ladie foke inda whirrkin whirrl. But dayswass pait hieyah dan da ladie foke fo da same whirk!

      Hain’t dat sum shit? Why shudda men foke git pate mo?

      Hiss-hunfare! Rite? Sho nuff!

      Iff da same whirrkiss been done, den da same pay shudbee re-seaff! I’s hin cumplee hagreemin ladie foke!

      Butt-donechew whirry. Dat pay shit’s gittin stray-ta out slo-lee but churrlee.

      Na, looka-hyuh… hyuhs whirr diss shit gits crazy.

      Hassour heeconnamee hass mooffaway frum mannafacharrin an hintoo a sirbuss heeconnamee mo an mo ladie foke hass moof hintoo da whirrkin whirl hant outta da hows-hole. Dig?

      Soe… hass mo ladiss git hintoo da whirrkfoess mo an mo ladie foke moof haya ant haya up hinnda pecka horder adda bidness whirl, ha rilla hinnaressin thang starred ta happin.

      Da gap inna life hexpeckansee a-tween men foke ant ladie foke got smalla. Bee-cuz men iss liffin lonngah, but haulsoe cuz da ladie foke iss liffin shorta lifes!

      Hisstroo ladie foke! Chawlsiss da honelee demo-graffa whirr lieffess peckansee hast drop!

      Chawl pusht so hart fo hee-koala-tee dat chew got da bad wiffda good. Chawl maybee titans a hinnustree an shit, but chawlsiss droppin like fleyes frum da stress, chuss like men foke doo!

      So… hat diss poinnit seem dat I’s makin cho poinn fo yerass. But dat still leef da queshun, whass da had-vannage ta beena ladie foke? Well, da ansah is dat dare hain’t none. Nope, da ladie foke haff got it pretty bad, but juss ass bad as da men foke.

      Hittain’t no pickanic fo dem heethers ladie foke! Ree-memma dat. Nobodiss gottit henny betta hoar whirrse.

      So, haul-eye can tell churass is ta keep yo stress down low, hand triedda hennjoy yo seenee-oar years atta ladiss-nite atta bar wanss da men foke hissaul drop ded from da stress. Dig?

      Cool…

      Haulrite. I’s hope dissass hepp churass out Har-monicuz!

      Stay dissavantached baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
52. 

    Vasia

    July 15, 2011

    Dear BDK,

    Does the number 11 has any particular significance?
    Who do I call if a number is stalking me?

    Also, have ever been to Lisbon? I saw your name graffitied on a hand rail there and I was curious.

    Thank you and I look forward to your response!

    Vasia

    Reply
    • 

      Vasia

      July 15, 2011

      I meant “have you ever been to Lisbon”. Sorry for the hastiness!

      Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      July 15, 2011

      Cor-VASIA-AY!

      Lookachoo breethin new life inna diss’ere post!

      Wanssa-ginn yew pose an innneressin queshun.

      Tha sinnifickuss udda numba-leven goe back thowsassa a cheers. Chewsee, when chawlss wussa bunch a primtiff muthas bearly aybba ta scribba a painin ownna caiff wall, dare wuddun hennythan heefen maschinabul like matt-amatix.

      Yunnersan?

      Da primtiff mine wuzzun reddy fo dat shit.

      Howevah, primtiff mines whirr still haybull ta see. An ass time whents by, heffery primtiff mine wuz haybull ta see dat ther’s sumthin mashkull bouts cerran nummas.

      Wun, fo inssance wuz consida madgecull owna counts dat hits da simpless numma dair iss. Wun, da single piece, ha dot, ha stahrr, hananimal! Dig?

      Twoo wuz cunsiddah madgecull has well… sints chawl hummin beens is dee-sine a bee sammetricka an shit dare’s twoo uffalot a shit on chawl. Twoo eyes, twoo eers, twoo lipps, two nosrils, twoo arms, twoo hanns, twoo legs… edsedra, edsedra, an soe on ann soe forff.

      Twoo wuzz haulso madgecull owna counss dat it took a twoo peepus gittinit own ta make a new litta baby pursun. Dig?

      So… affa dat, da nesst mose madgecull numma was da numma five. Mosely owna counssa chawls got five finnas an five tows own heech foot.

      Whish leets me tamma ness madgecull numma, da numma ten! Cuz iff chews addup awl yo finnas an tows, ya git ten!

      Den, wha happin wuz dat wunce ten hessablish hitseff as da unnisputed king a da nummers, den da hoe syssem starra ta reefolf harounsit.

      Chawl starra a hoe syssa a counnins base ownda numma ten. Matma-tishins, been da non-cree-haytiff muthas dat days is, day juss wen ann naimtit base ten. Lame ass shit!

      Henneway, wunce ten was hessablish as da base levva group numma, den hit was jussa matta a time afoe sum smarr’ mutha pipe up ant ree-ha-lize dat chew can juss starra nu sigh-ka wiff ten plus wun and star ovah agin.

      Soe, ten plus wun is madge-cull cuz it reprasenn a leep in da capassatee fo counnin!

      Ya see?

      Chew hain’t limmita by da numma a finnas cho assissgot, chore ass cain count ownda finnas uhya frenz wunts yo runz outta ya own finnas. Ya dig?

      Soe, dass why heeleven’soe himmporran. It broke matt-amattix outta da consraints a juss wun purrsin counnin an maitit a soeshul heevent! Dig?

      Hit-eeva wuz reprasinnit graffa-klee as twoo wunz tigatha! Twoo hinnividjuss stannin sie-by-sie!

      Dass rite baby! Dass why’s iss madge-cull! Heeleven’s da mathamatcull rep-sentasha uff poss-bility, a braykin out, uffa noo sickuls, an da poss-bill-etee a teem-whirrk!

      Yessum!

      Ass farass wetha a numma can stawk chew? Issa poss-bull, but-eye daout dat a numma’s intenshass iss maleva-lint. Iss prally juss trienna rays yo wairness dat dair’s new han nexsightin poss-billy-tees, new sickuls, ann da mine-bloein poss-billy-tees founin teem-whirrk!

      Done be fraida fit baby! Heeleven juss wanna play!

      Hass farras Liss-Bone. I’s goenna hafta chick-ma trabba jurrnass. Meye mim-ree hain’t whatit chewsabee, butt-eye’s sho dat-eye’s bin dare. Ole Don’s bin jussabouss heffreeware dairss peepus han cree-hay-tivatee

      I’s hope diss litta dissa-taysha’s hepp chews-out, Vasta la Visa!

      Stay he11evenee baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
      • 

        Constantine Markides

        July 17, 2011

        Big Don, I enjoyed your analysis, especially on the number 11, but you’ve neglected the number 4 in your survey of numerological significance.

        Consider four: to some it is connotes stability and groundedness and elemental security – think of the four seasons, the four elements, the four directions. To others, especially among tetraphobic East Asian populations, it portends bad luck due to its homophony with the word “death” and is therefore skipped in apartment buildings much like the 13th floor in other parts of the world.

        So with the number four, you have misfortune and death on one hand, stability and protection on the other. What do you make of that, BDK?

        Reply
        • 

          Big Don K'Shayne

          July 18, 2011

          Issanbull!!

          Wassup baby?

          I’s gladdass shit ta see chore-assiss throwinnyo twoo centssin!

          Soe…. chore-ass tanks datt-eye foregot cerran nummass? WEll, diss may-bee da caise, but firss less-see whaddidiss dat chore-assiss pro-clayminn. Cuz hell, weculds stay hyuh awl damn day preetennin heffry numma’s assiss spesha.

          I’s gossa hadmitdat the heesurn pursepeckiff ass-hoe-see-haytinn da numma foe wiff deff is ass-eye-nin powass too-ha numma dat huthawise may not haffit. But hain’t diss mo uffa-caise uff langache ovahsteppin hits bounce inna matt-maddix? Da probbla hyuh issda firra deff, ann den soupass-tishass muthas juss havoidin da numma foe oudda firr. Dat’s not egg-sack-lee a pawahfull hin-doors-mint fo a nummass madgekull proppa-tees. Dass juss co-hinnsi-dense baby! Am-eye spota havoid haul-da nummas tween twelff an twenny jussacuz I’s fine teen-hayjuss hobnackshuss-ass fuck? See-meye poinn?

          Soe…. Chore utha harga-mint wuz dat da numma foe hiss madge-cull owna-counssa da foe cardna poins. Fore-war, backwass, leff-ann-rite…. norff, souff, hees-ann-wess, wichevah-way chore-ass wansa lukadit. Probla dair hiss dat yo modurrn mine’s nottintoon wiffa spurrt-whirl likka primm-tiff mine, soe chore-ass nigletted hup ann dahunn, dig? Soe, dass rilly powass a-da numma six baby!

          Ass-farrass da foe hellemints, choo-shudnoe dat I’s mo parsha too juss Earff Winnann Fire foe da hobby-uss funky ree-suns!

          Hass fah-ass da foe seesuns, I’s guess chore-assas gottme dair.

          Chore poinn-wuz datteye nigletted sum nummas ann chore poinniss maid, Hissanbull!

          Haul-reye-na, I’s gotssa goe. Good-tawk chawl, good-tawk.

          Stay kweshunee baby!

          -Tha BDK

          Werd

          Reply
53. 

    Armando

    July 21, 2011

    Big Don,

    You claim to have infiltrated the minds of some dogs and bumble bees in the past. Have you ever infiltrated the mind of a cat? Do you have any other amusing wildlife stories?

    I look forward to your answer.

    Thanks!

    Armando

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      July 24, 2011

      Harr-mondo!

      Dassa good queshun baby! Issa goin takesum time-ta figyassout juss how’s menny hannimals mines I’s hinfitraded ovah da yeers.

      Derres been jussabouss hevree kine-ah hannimal.

      I’s hinfiltraded haul kinessa verribrate, hinnverribrate, marr-soupy-ulls (they’s asses cum wiff pockets!), cruss-hayshun (l’s can-tell churass rite cheer, ifchurr ass can inffitray da mine uffa lobsah, I’s heye-lee recommennit!), heart-throw-pods, mollussess, back-teary-ah, haul kines-sah singah-cell whoreganissims, mull-tee-heada high-drass, henny kine-ah inseck life, see-lieff, chew naime it baby, lann, see, ann hair! Dig?

      Da bay-sick rool hissdiss. Da moe complecks a mine’siss da moe diffra cuntrows churrassis gots a chore diss-poesall. Ya follow?

      Foe-hinnsans, a doll-fin siss like a madurn jet-fightah. Da hinnsides a dem muthas’iss lika cock-pit! Churass’s gots con-trolls heffreewhirrs. Ya follow? Hiss-lika cun-duckta uffa simm-funny whore-kessra, choo gots haul kines hinnsroomens atchore diss-poesall.

      A back-teary-ah owenda utha hann, dats like ridin a yewnny-sicka! Hiss wobblee ass shit! Dat shit tayssa lotsa prackiss! Cha feelin me?

      Butt, huffaul da diffra hannimuls, da cat, hann awl fee-lines hin parr-tickla, days difficull-as shit ta cun-troe! Days-asses is too hinnpra-dickabull! Wunn secka churrass hiss-gots dem ridin strait an shit, da ness seckun churr hangin own dess-pratlee tryenna controe dair assis cuss da muthafucka saw a fly annits shadoe honna wall ann shit!

      Notta mensha, a damned cat’siss haulways lookin-out foe-hitseff. Its da truth baby!

      Now looka-hyuh!

      I’s know dat daire’s haulways a cat-owna out-dair dat feel like da Don’s not giffin a cat a fair-shayke in diss ‘ere whirrl. Eefin da mose dye-harr cat owna hass-gotts-ammit dat a catsissa mose hinne-pennant mutha.

      A cat’s honelee lookinout fo’hitsone ass! Dig?

      Heefinniff churrass hirrd dat a frien uffa frienn hadda frienn who’s awntie wuz dragg-outta burrnin house by a mose loyull mutha uffa himma-layinn whoosass loss nye-nee purr-cent uffda muthafucka’s furr draggin hurr-muthafuckin-cat-hoenin-ass outta three-alarr-mutha uffa blay’ze, choocan ress hasshur dat fee-line mutha honelee got burnt ownna count dat hit wuzz juss lookinout fo wheres-hits ness meel wuzz goenna cum frum. Dig?

      Dat Meeow Micks iss wun mutha uffanadick-shunna shake! Dig?

      Fo reelz!

      Henneway……

      I’s gowenna haffa thaink’ssabout mo non-hue-minn foke mine hinnfilltrashun storriss. Days’is fun baby!

      Chew no it!

      Hawl-rite I’s gotssa go. I’s hoep churrass done mine iff-eye hannssah wiff mo storriss lay-tah.

      Stay hannima-lissick baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
54. 

    Darathustra

    July 22, 2011

    Dear Don,

    Reply
55. 

    Darathustra

    July 22, 2011

    Dear Don,

    I listen to a lot of news and talk radio, albeit with scattered attention. There are two points that continue to enrage and baffle me in their seemingly neurotic repetition and lack of real insight. I think I should stick to one issue for the first question because I just ate some noodles and I’m afraid that before I’m done writing the second I might trail off…

    The most recent question relates to the value of money and the value of crude oil. It will probably sound more like a rant than a question, but is not meant to be rhetorical. I’m sure you can offer me some insights on the subject, so please bear with the ranting aspect.

    NPR frequently reports on the price of crude. In relation to its rising price, they relay polls that describe what kind of vacation people feel they will be able to take this year and how far they will be able to drive (by the way, is anybody else feeling warm?). They interview people at the gas station talking about what the price of crude is doing to their lives, how they can’t afford to drive to work. But what I don’t get is how short-sighted people seem about such an incredible natural resource. Most people seem to forget what they must have learned in public school: That it takes billions and billions of years for the living creatures produced by the sun to decay and be pressurized by the earth’s mammoth gravity (don’t ask me for numbers, I’m too lazy) into some of the most potential-energy rich material in the universe (again, short on science here, but you get the idea). Eons of solar energy stored below the earth’s crust before the brains that invented the idea of money had evolved beyond a Pons and Medulla or something like that. And those forces of light and gravity (Let’s face it, Romans!!) will be around for eons AFTER people that make and use the concept of money, never mind the dollar, cease to exist (by my estimate anyway) My point is that: The price of oil will NEVER reflect its value.

    What IS my question? I think my question is Why is public discourse so repetitive and narrow? Especially as relates to natural resources and the recent ease of the past century. Where is the historical context? Maybe I misunderstand the nature of the news. Please enlighten,

    Dara

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      August 2, 2011

      Duss spote Dara-toos-tra!

      Firssafall, lemme chuss-say dat wuss wun damned henlite-anin messash. I’s gossa hadmit, chew sho did encassulate da breff an skope uh hue-mannatee’s nalache rigardin da hoe dienasore to crewd hoyle hee-quashun.

      Well dun, Dara-toos!

      I’s gossa say ass-well dat I’s hadda taika minnit ta thanka-bouss yo quesshun.Butt-den a minnit tirnintoo a day, inna-too days, inna-fore days, inta week, an in da korrsa dat time, I’s starra ta git mo an mo hagitayded bouss haul diss hoyl an henner-gee bidness, so I’s dee-sigh-da ta vent meye fruss-trayshun gainst da hoe state-a Texiss.

      Chew meye-da seenit honda news. “Tropicka storm Don tar-gits Texiss!”

      Henneway….

      Ass-eye’s charrgin upda Gulf-cose ta hunn-leesh a lil’ heppin of Ole Don whoop-ass on da loan-star state, sumthin farelee hobby-us struck me bouss da nacha uffda daya-log an disckushun.

      Tha reezin publick disscors’s so narra han ree-peddatif iss beecus chawl hue-minns issawl a buncha ree-peddatif muthas. Chawl honely spout-out dat which chawl take inna yo eers an chawl done eva tay-da time ta pross-iss dat shit’n thinkabouttit! Chawl-is wan big-buncha reppetishus muthas! Chawl honelee say dose tangs chawl haff herd frum uthas, chew harrlee evah git trooly hin-quizzy-tiff muthas trienna fine thangs out foredairseffs. Dig?

      Iss-likka spundge! A hue-min mine hain’t no good iffawl ittississa spundge! Iffawl I’s goenna bee hay-bull ta skweeze outta yo mine hiss eggsackly what-cho mine juss suck-up den its juss repeatin da same damn mess baby!

      Sirruslee!

      Hit was when I’s ree-hize diss dat eye dee-sighded ta not tey-kout meye haggreshuns out honda stayda Texiss, evaniff day’sissa buncha Ess-yew-bee, gass-gussla, Focks-Nooze spowtin buncha non-prossessin muthas.

      Shit, dideye’s eva git close-sahanssa cho quesha? I’s so rye’ld huppabouss chawl peepuss juss spoutin back sackly whatchoo hyuh wissout tankin dat I’s git haul firey huppinseye. Dig?

      Fo reelz!

      Henneway…. I’s juss goenna pose diss hannsah ownda Forffnite han letchoe hone mine dee-side iff eye’s gots close ta annsarin cho queer-ee.

      Haul rite… I’s lukan forwa-to yo ness quesha Dara-tuss-ra, iff chews got wan.

      Stay Soar-O-Ass-trayan baby.

      - Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
      • 

        Darathustra

        August 3, 2011

        Dear Mr. Kshayne,

        I was a little saddened by your answer, in spite of the intense moments of laughter it allowed me. Basically, human beings are mediocre. What a drag. Well, I think that’s only partly true. I think people are as good as their (social) education. In fact, on a side note, I’ve decided that the reason Republicans always vote against public education is that only uneducated people will vote against their own economic interests. Did I say that already? Oh, probably. It’s my new fume. But getting back to the point…What is the nature of media no, let’s narrow it down to the only media I know. What is the nature of NPR that allows for such a narrow discourse? Can you offer any solutions to the narrowness of human attention? Also, will my focus on breadth and scope one day make me magically wealthy? No, scrap that.
        And about that debt ceiling. I have been trying to sort out who is really responsible for all of that debt? What do you think?

        Eagerly awaiting your erudite reply.

        Daradoodles

        Reply
        • 

          Big Don K'Shayne

          August 19, 2011

          Yo! Dara chicka-doodle soop!

          Wassup? I’s gossa say dat chewsissa mose mine-chain-gin queshun-ree-tracktin chicka-doodles dair’s is! I’s tookabouss fore treyes fore I’s abulls’a figya out juss wasyew was assin me! Not cuss’eyes dumb. Ownna contrairie, issa cuzzeye’s hunnovah’s fuck frumm haulda cornwaters, yunnersann?

          Dass haulrite do. I’s done mine a lil challenshin reedins, I’s hoep yew done’s eetha?

          Henneway, yo queshun…. why’s issdair sucha narra discoes honda Enn-Pee-Arra? Wells, dass ee-z baby! Dass ownacounss dat dair Nashna Pub-lick asses is funned bye publicks money.

          Ya see?

          Bye haffinna be sho to not-a-fenn hennewan, an taykinninna-considra-hatian heffrewanns hoe-pinion, day ent-sup takin da sting outta dair harrguemints! Days gotta wakka tite-rope uffa-propreeatness.

          Dig?

          Honda utha-hann, churass’iss gots Focks-Noose dat hainna fray ta bee cum-plee-lee wan-sighded, missinformin, proppagan-diessin, ray-siss buncha greed-ann-hintollarrants celebraytin muthas.

          Gwen-juice-sis free’d up ta spred lies, half-troofs, half-lies, an plane-ole bullshit, wiffout wurrin bouss da reepa-cushuns, churrass iss damn parrfull an purrsway-siff. Speshlee tooda greedie ann da hintollarant, hinnuthawhirrs, da Rip-pub-licka Party.

          Why’s dair asses calt a party henneway? Canchoo himmachin a mo borrin buncha muthas ta party wiff? I’s sho cain’t, han I’s spoe-ta bee soup-reem himmachin-haitian!

          So…. Hondada ness parr a-yo queshun… Can hennethin bee dun habbout da narra scoep a hue-min hattenshun?

          Yes. Bee cree-hay-tiff. Do sum-thin. Bee a con-tree-view-tore, bee a giver, not juss a damn cunsump-sha obsest rapiss-locus! Iff churrass juss cain’t bee convints dat chew canbee cree-hay-tiff, den juss fawlin love. If churrass hain’ts gunna cun-tree-viewt, den hatlees chew hain’t gunna bee cawssin harm. Dig?

          Fo sho!

          Nessup, da-det seelin. A det-seelin is bay-sick-lee like churass’s cred limit. So, dats da riss-pawn-sabilly-tee a cawngriss ta git dat shit in line! Ya follow?Pay yo bills yo irrisspawn-sibba muthas!

          So, if cawngriss hain’t doin da do dat dair-asses is spoeta do, den churrasses as votas gots to git churrasses in line an vote dem muthas out!

          Haulrite.

          Dassit fir taday. I’s hope churrass’s a litta mo informt, Dara-toos-tra.

          Stay hun-limmy-ted baby!

          - The BDK

          Werd

          Reply
56. 

    Beran

    August 1, 2011

    What would you think about a person if they describe themselves as ‘I have got devils mind, which is controlled by angels’ ?

    thank you in advance

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      August 2, 2011

      Grizzlee Beran!!

      Iss nice-ta see yew showin yoseff round-hyuh wunce moe, and wunce moe chew bradduss a good queshun!

      Soe, chew’ssiss got sumboddis sayin day’s gots da mine uffa devil buddiss controe’d by hainchulls??

      Grizzly Beran, dat man’s trienna play yew! I’s knoe’d issa man ownna counss dat honelee a man wulld’sa try-ta gittaway wiff dat shit.

      Hell, he’ssa giffin yew his hexkuse ryeddup frunt, likka lawya wiffda fine print. Dat way, latah, when awl Hell brayk loose, hissass can juss say “aw, dat’s not me, hitwass da devil in me baby! Dem’s hainchulls mussa been hassleep oar sun’thin.”

      See gwaddeye mean? Dat man’siss juss tryenna set cho-ass up forra hell uffa crazy ass ride. I’s whachouss fo hissass. Ya dig? Dat muthas werd cain’ts bee trussed!

      Fo reelz!

      Cool…. Haulrite, glad we’s gossat strait.

      Stay devil-free and furry, baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
      • 

        Beran

        August 3, 2011

        Thank you for your answer BDK,
        in many circumstances you would be right, but the person who said it was not a man, and it didnt have anything to do with romance. The person who said it, kind of suffers from what she thinks is a mental illness but I am pretty much sure that as long as the devil that she cant not cope with is controlled by angels ( at least she says so, as the dark side of her is stopped when it comes to action) she is fine. I just needed a back-up to my effort in comforting her. Your wisdom can help. So now with more info, I hope you can add some relieving comments.

        thanks a lot

        Reply
        • 

          Big Don K'Shayne

          August 19, 2011

          Damn! Dass wun helluffa mix-up own meye part Grizzly-Yogi-Circus-Beran!

          So chew hirrd dat frumma lady? Well… hindat caise I’s bee currfull wiff how chew’ll hannda her. If she’s cunvints dat hurrass’s poe-sess bye an hainchull cun-trolled devil, den hennithiniss possabull. Dig?

          Da key mite bee in keeping-er freedup offenny tem-tashuns dat mite hunleesh da beast! Ya know?

          Howevah hurass’s actin, churrass’s gotsa keeping mine dat dair’s a purrsin in dair and dat purrsin needs hunnersannin ant cumpasha. Hunless churassis haulso poe-sest, den haul churass can do is simpa-thighs. Chew no?

          Bee-sites dat, honelee thin-helse dat-eye cain think-uff issat chew betta bee reddy ta run innanutha dye-wreckshun iff dems hainchulls go-honna lunch break.

          Haulrite…. dassabous hauleye candoo widdiswan.

          Stay honnyo-toes baby!

          -Tha BDK

          Werd

          Reply
57. 

    Jacqueline

    August 17, 2011

    Hi there Big Don,

    I must say I’ve been both reduced to hysterical laughter and extremely moved by some of the responses you’ve put up here. So I have a question for you I sometimes throw at intricately thoughtful people.

    I struggle intellectually with two seemingly contradictory spiritual doctrines: trusting that the god/universe/unknown/whatever puts the right people, work, experiences etc. into space and time for you and the idea of “thoughts become things” and we should visualize what we want to manifest them in our lives.

    What do you think about these ideas? Should we be proactive in “this is what I want, so I’m going to make choices to advance towards it” and go forth with fury? Or do we take people and opportunities as they come to us, trusting that the work we put into it is part of the unknown thing’s “path”.

    How much should we quantify and choose THIS work, THIS person, THAT experience etc? Or do we just keep saying “yes”, try to contribute as best we can and hope it works out?

    Does it really matter what we do in a “spiritual” way or is it just that these forces of thought affect our actions and so our chances of getting it right increase?

    I’ve yet to make a conclusion about any of this.

    Until I hear your response I shall be outside hugging a tree. So take your time.

    Peace,
    Jacqueline

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      August 19, 2011

      Heya Chaka-Khan, Chaka-Khan, Chaka-linn….

      I’s goenna haffa thinkabous meye hanssa mo clirlee, so hinda meentime, mida-sujissa Weepa-willa ora Sicka-mo. Day’s asses needa hug.

      Mo lata….

      Stay leafy baby

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      September 3, 2011

      Chakka-linn,

      Affa menny days uff cawn-tem-playshan, I’s finelee harrye’ve hattan-annsah fo churrass.

      Diggit.

      Dair hissno rite oar wronn-gannsah fo diss wan. Chews-sawlway gotssa bee ha-waire uff-da hoppa-tune-atees dat pree-senn dems-elves in-frunna yew, but chew’s haulsoe gotssa bee hay-bull ta put churrass hin sitcha-hay-shuns dat’ll bee con-dew-siff ta proe-veye-dinn sirran thinns.

      Fo hinn-sance….

      Iffs churrass wannssa skee hinnda sno, den churrass’s gotssa go to da mao-tens han heffen-shallee da sno will-happirr hin yo path. Dig?

      So, hit tay-ka litta a bofe. Ya feelin me?

      Hit take heffirt, han pay-shenz.

      Churrass chuss cain’t wait fer shit ta show-hup. Chew gotssa go forth han be crazy, baby! Ya know?

      Ya gots ta do yer thang and know in yo very inna-coe dat hinn dowin yo thang, dat tha thangs that churrass wanns will come yer way.

      Yo life hain’t likka pinbawl hinna gran mash-sheen. Dare hain’t no pinball wizzad hinda sky, ya dig?

      But hiff-dair is, or wuz, I’s can garran-tee churrass dat hissass hiss deff, dum, han bline! Hooo-wee!!

      I’s sup-poe dat churass kudd chuss let choe-seff bee likka leef hinda winn, butt-den, hin cho wanderrins, you could juss be hit bye-a fuckin grey-hounn buss! Dat hain’t watchoo wann, baby!

      No.

      Churrass hass a rudda, ya know? Churrass has a rudda, han churass haul-soe hassa motor. Dairs gunna bee shit git hin-yo way han churrass hass gotssa stirr-yo-way harround it, han sum-ties churrass hass gotsa pickup sum passa-juss dat brinn good koala-tees. Dig?

      Now, dairs gunna bee moe-mints dat pree-zen pee-pull han hoppa-tune-eetees dat may bee hap-ear’dabee had-van-tay-juss, anden, hin-time churrass ree-ha-lies dat days sum parasitic leechin muthas dat juss feed-offa yo ass.

      Gwen-yo ass ree-hal-eyes dat, churr lil boat’s capp’n gotssa-bee roof-less han may-kem low-cuss muthas walka plank an jetti-sun dair asses.

      Chew’s gotssa cum firss baby!

      Dig?

      Not heffree-thin han hefree-wan dat appee hinfrunna yew his gonna bee troo-ta-yo kneeds.

      Chew gotssa maike yo path by walkin it baby! But carr-ful whirr churrass’s treddin. Dair maybe sines uff utha muthas been dair bee-foe chew han chew’s gotssa bee hay-bulla reed dem sines.

      Haul-soe, wenn churrass maikes dem paffs, bee carr-ful ta not stepp on utha muthas on yo way, bee mine-full’a whirr yo steppin baby!

      A hed’s a senz-atiff sir-fuss firra foot. Cha feelin me?

      Bee pro-hackiff, bee dribben, go forff, bee carfull a whut passa-jirrs chew’s take on, but done bee so cosh-uz dat chew leef wurffy muthas floatin hinnda how-shun.

      Dig?

      Coo…. Hass far has da spirrichall naycha uffit, high-ain’t wan-ta judche hon whoo-er-what churrass chews-ta bee-leaffin hoar not bee-leaffin. Dass-up ta yew baby!

      Dat han I’s lurnt lonna-go dat dee-a-tees iss sum senz-a-tiff muthas. Dat-han day’s git dair feelinz hirt iff I’s whirr ta sponss-a oar cone-doe’n wan ovah hannutha, so I’s gunna leefit hat-dat.

      Eggs-ibbit ay: Hurra-cain Eye-reen. Mercy! Whatta tan-trumm!

      Now, I’s seein’ dat chew’s gotsa nutha quesha hin-da kewe, so I’s spoze I’s gonna checkit haut hinna bit.

      Haulrite….

      Stay Cap’n Crunchy baby!

      -Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply
58. 

    Constantine Markides

    August 27, 2011

    Dear Big Don,

    Any suggestions on good ways to spend a Sunday afternoon in a hurricane?

    A swift response would be much appreciated.

    Reply
59. 

    Big Don K'Shayne

    August 28, 2011

    Conman!

    Mai-tai suh-jess pro-currin sum Scoobie die-va geer, o juss gittinna strong soup-lie a meye-tee fine cornwaters?

    Yeh, cornwaters. Dat hanna bigass taoll ta dry churrass-off wit.

    Yep, datadoo-it. Furreels.

    Stay dark an stormy baby.

    -Tha BDK

    Werd

    Reply
60. 

    Jacqueline - The Dusty Baker

    September 2, 2011

    Hey Don,

    So I was out hugging too many trees and now have a splinter in my foot that has refused to remove itself for four days now. Suggestions?

    Seriously.

    Jacqueline

    Reply
    • 

      Big Don K'Shayne

      September 3, 2011

      Chakka-linn…. da dussy bay-ka….

      Haul-rite… so churrass wuzz-sout hugginem trees lie-keye’s suggessin. Han nao, churrass hassa splinna? Well, dat cumz wiff da terra-tore-ee. If chew’s is goenna-bee huggin’ car’essin, stroekin’, grow’pin han udda-why’s haul-mose moe-lessin trees, den chew’s gossa-bee prip-haired fo sum coe-latra damach.

      A splinna’s juss da smawl part baby! Dair’s splinnas, skwhirl shit, birr-shit, bears’n utha car-nibruss muthas and dair shit. Dair’s lotsa shit baby!

      Butt-eye’s dye-gressin… chews’s got sum splinna ack-shun messin wiff cho mojo. I’s gots jussa thang.

      Friss, fine-out wish-direshun da splinna’s poinin’n. Gwen chew’s fine out wish-ways’is out, den churrass take sum san-paper an rubbit hinda hoppa-sit dirr-wreck-shun dat choe splinna came in, han hoen-lee hin dat dirr-wreck-shun. Dig?

      Soe hiffit came hin frumma left gowin rite, den churrass’s gotsa rubbit wiff da sann-paper frum da rite gowin left own-lee. Lie’k churrass’s combin’nit out. Dig?

      Now done go rubbin cho-hoe damn foot wiff-da sann-paper. Chew juss kneeda lil bit. No need gittin cho-hoe foot raw’n shit.

      Cool….

      Juss-hauta curry-hossa-tee, wha kyena tree wuzzit?

      Hit was a Sicka-Mo waddennit? Dems sum sick, sick muthas wiff dem trecha-russ lil spie-key balls’a dairs! Shit.

      Wan-time’s, I’s had hinnfa-tray-ded da mine uffa rite hin-tella-gent crow. Han I’s hadiss ass juss perchin honna shay-dee branch uffa Sicka-Mo tree hoeva-lookin a lil patcha green past-cha.

      Dig? I’s happy hassa pig in shit!

      Well, high-mussa doze-off cuz ness-thin-eye new, diss lil orto-donick teen-haych pim-plee mutha cumz rite byeda tree pushinna lawn-moewa han loncha lil spy-kee ass bawl a’deth rite at mye lil crow host’s hed.

      Chawl haff no high-dee-a da kine uff press-hents a mine han hinn-testin-haul forty-tude hit took ta stear dat fetha-ree mutha ta safe-tee. Shit.

      I’s still heer dat crow’s skwak’a terra hinn meye dreems chawl. Hiss not cool.

      Henneway…. be carful uffem Sicka-Mo balls, dass haul I’s sayin.

      Hoe-kay….

      Stay sandin’ han dustin’ baby!

      - Tha BDK

      Werd

      Reply