COCO 12 (Part I)

Dec 8, 2009 by

Round 12 Challenge: [for reader to discover in the text]

Grand mother always told me to look into my heart for answers when too much confusion come. She also told me man who give you his heart too quickly is either too stupid or too clever. Either way trouble for you. She was wise woman babushka.

While I look at memory key I notice businessman near by is staring over his newspaper. I push pieces of heart back together and put inside my blousa but he keep glancing over. I say to myself Don’t be crazy. Man is looking because its what man do. They look at woman.

I say this to myself but I begin to have paranoia because he keep looking down where necklace is. I think Don’t be stupid Ivana. Man is looking at your breast not heart. Its nothing new to you this.

Then I see other man glancing at me. And when airhostess walk by she have look of suspicion. Its true since I was teenager I sometimes have paranoia and make crazy imaginations but never so strong. I keep seeing eyes staring at me.

I feel too much dizzy so I go to toilet but old woman go inside before me. While waiting I feel like hole plane is watching me. Like they know I have secret. Like I commit horrible crime and they want for me to pay. I feel their gaze pressing into my back.

When old woman come out she make eyes narrow like I done something to her. But I don’t react. I know how to pretend like I’m calm. How to hide true feelings. Cabaret taught me this. To always wear body armour. Armour of laughter or coldness or flirting or whatever. Its why always I dream one day to be writer. Because fiction is only place for me to find freedom. To be my reality. Not to hide or disguise or pretend but to be Ivana. If you want fiction you look in reality but for the reality you look in fiction.

When babushka say Look into your heart Ivana she mean this. To discover what is your path and live by it. To live it even if it make life daily struggle. Because struggle is okay if it don’t kill you. And even if it kill you it’s not so bad. Could be better yes but at least you lived. More horrible to be dead while alive. Dead to true self.

Of course you have to know who your true self is. So much noise now in world its hard to know anymore. Easy to get confused. Like distraction. To mistake yourself for person your not. You can live hole life like this. Live wrong life by accident. Live stranger’s life without even knowing it.

Don’t tell to me ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is easy but not bliss. Bliss is to be aware. And bliss come with pain. Like thorns on rose to be little cheesy. Everything have price in life. This too cabaret teach you.

I lock bathroom door behind me and sit on toilet. Room is spinning. I’m about to swallow necklace when I remember x ray security machines. What if in America they make you do x ray going into country? And then they find out I have heart inside me. Better to wear my heart outside like I’ve been doing.

I feel sick. Like to vomit again. And fear to leave bathroom. Fear to face passengers. Suddenly there is knocking on door. I don’t say nothing. Then knocking louder. I open door and man is staring at me. Passengers also looking. When paranoia is not to strong you can say to yourself Silly mind don’t be crazy to me. But when it get to strong all you can hear is the crazy mind.

Its like torture for me now to have memory key but not to have computer. Somehow I know there is answer in USB. Answer to what I don’t know. There is times when you only realise what question you had after finding answer. Its like that. Anyone can find answer. Harder to find question. Like difference between following path in forest and to find path in first place.

I am not one to become afraid easily because I know to survive alone in strange country. But the feeling is something else. Like my hole life can collapse if someone take USB from me. Don’t ask me how I know but memory key is only thing now that matter. I almost laugh to think this. To think key to my memory is inside my heart which is on my chest. My poor little brain lost even its memory.

Little bit its true because I don’t even know who I am any more. Yesterday poor Ukrainian prostitute in Cyprus and today rich American widow wearing Louise Ferre and Swarovski flying first class to Washington. Never I liked people who say only obstacles in life are those inside you. Always people who never know real obstacles say things like this. This is why I can’t believe yet what is happening. This is why I need to get to computer.

Plane lands in Paris for transfer. I have only fifteen minutes until I have to bored flight to Washington so I rush around terminal looking for computer but find nothing. Then I see transit lounge. Two women are at front desk with bags open, searching for something and arguing. I don’t have time for waiting so instead ask man at desk if there is computer. He tell me lounge is for first class passenger. I show him my ticket which I realise is what other women are looking for and he scans it.

Suddenly he make big smile. Congratulation he say. We have special offer with Apple Computer to give away one free laptop per month to random person who walk in. Lucky day for you he say. Just sign here.

I make signature Ivana Braun and he give me box. The two women start to protest that I cut in front of them. They threaten to make revenge and sew him. These Americans with there sewing. He try to explain but they only get more angry. No point to argue so I walk into lounge. By the time I open packaging I hear call to bored aiplane so I leave. Two women still arguing with man.

To win free computer seem impossible but life is so crazy lately that why not believe? Its like I’ve fallen through hole of rabbit. Ivana in Wonder Land. Now with laptop I can answer all my problems on plane. I keep making expectation for someone to try steal necklace but no one does. But still on plane their all watching me. From far away. Like wolves. But also afraid to get to close to me.

Again no one sitting beside me in first class so I have hole two seats to myself.  Paranoia still there but to have computer give me courage so I fight against it. When people look at me, I just stare back until they look away. Like to say Nothing is out of ordinary here so look somewhere else. I wait until after dinner most of plane is asleep and lights are out and it feel like I’m alone. It’s half hour to midnight. I turn on laptop and put in USB memory key. At last I say to myself. At last time has come.


It’s what name of folder is that pops up. Strange. Not what I expect. I click on it. Only one file inside called README. So I click on it to:

Instruction to Reader

  1. Go to
  2. Make scrolling down until you find Round 1 Video – “Fire”. Click on Contestant 1 and write first word in that post.
  3. Click on Contestant 2 and write second word in it.
  4. Click on Contestant 3 and write third word… etc. Continue like this (including HOST!) for all Round 1 contestants.
  5. Do what it is asked of you.

*CLICK HERE to read Part II of COCO 12, which is password-protected. The password is the last word of the sentence discovered above.

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1 Comment

  1. I haven’t deleted the 111 comments from COCO 12. I’ve just split COCO 12 into two posts and password-protected the second part, which is where all of the earlier comments are. This is why those comments no longer appear in the sidebar.

    To read the end of COCO 12, you now need a password, which you can get if you follow the instructions at the end of this post.

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