Oct 19, 2009 by

Nora’s Round 8 Challenges (Word limit – 600):
* Incorporate a Walmart greeter or shopper  (given by Seldom Seen)
* Write about how humans would evolve with the collapse of religion (given by Joaquim)
* Incorporate satanic music (given by George Barbayiannis)

Read NORA 7 here (see “Similar Posts” at the bottom of this post for any earlier entries)

Wal Mart Greeter and Shoppers“Richard was born in the U.S.S.R. the year before Stalin came to power,” said Arthur, his nostrils twitching over the glistening sausage links on his fork.

Nora gasped as Richard’s upward-traveling toes found her inner thigh. She eyed his broad, upright, muscular form. “Why, you look not a day older than 50!”

“Sixty-nine, my dear, and not a year younger,” Richard said, cocking a roguish eyebrow and slurping down an oyster as his toes circled upward under her dress towards her lotus.

“You can’t imagine the life this chap has led,” said Arthur, bringing the sausage to his mouth. “I daresay, had Richard been born in these United States he’d be president right now.” Catherine’s nipples snapped to attention as stiffly as #2 pencil eraser tips as she gazed helplessly at Richard, hypnotized by the slow, side-to-side, equine chewing of his powerful outthrust jaw.

Arthur smacked his greasy lips and picked up a steaming cob of corn. “Tell Catherine about your novels.” His trembling nostrils explored the buttery cob before his teeth crunched ecstatically into it, spurting juices over Catherine’s startled face.

“Arthur, please! Where are your table manners!” cried Catherine, wiping the creamy fluids from her face with her embroidered napkin.

Oblivious to Catherine’s reprimands, Arthur groaned with closed eyes while moving the cob noisily across his mouth. “Richard, do tell,” he urged, spitting flecks of corn. “Your latest manuscript.”

Richard chuckled while peeling off his sock below the table. “Your husband thinks too highly of my hobbies.” Catherine shuddered as the cool flesh of his toes touched her bare thigh and began sliding upwards. “I’m on the final chapter of my apocalyptic saga about humanity’s fate in the absence of religion. Needless to say, the conclusion is catastrophic.”

“Bloody brilliant is what it is,” snorted Arthur, dropping the husk onto his plate. “Bloody Nobel-worthy if you ask me. If Obama gets a Nobel for merely saying he’ll bring world peace, why shouldn’t Richard get it for his near-complete masterpiece?”

“No!” Catherine gasped loudly as Richard’s squirming nethermost digit burrowed beneath her undergarments and, like through a trap door to momentary nirvana, abruptly slid up to the knuckle into her moist chamber.

“Take no offence, Richard,” Arthur chuckled. “Catherine plays by the rules. I daresay they need her on the Nobel committee.”

Catherine grasped the table with both hands and bowed her head, whispering desperately. Richard began rhythmically moving his foot back and forth beneath the table.

“Why, look what you’ve done to my poor wife!” said Arthur. “All this talk about godlessness has got her praying!”

A vehicle screeched to a halt outdoors. “What in the devil?” cried Richard, disengaging his industrious foot. He dabbed at his lips with his napkin and proceeded to the window.

A truck with license plate SELSEEN had parked outside, blaring rock and roll music from the external speakers. A man in blood-stained camouflaged pants emerged, holding a Miller light, and began urinating upon the front tire. His pimply progeny hung out the back window, chattering like monkeys. “We aint never going to no WalMart again if you keep it up!” he bawled at them. “Once a day at WalMart is the rule,” he bellowed, guzzling the beer as he shook his filthy member dry.

Without the slightest concern for his own welfare, Richard strode to the door.

“Richard!” cried Catherine.

Arthur stayed her with a raised hand. “Richard is a world class boxer.”

Richard approached the uncouth man. “I advise you to immediately lower that satanic music and take leave.”

“Who in the f**k do you think you are?” the brute growled.

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  1. Brilliantly executed! And you had tough challenges too this week… guess we’ll have to wait until next week for the money shot 😉

  2. seldom seen

    thats cute Nora.
    My advice is this- keep your eyes on the prize and stop mucking about trying to get your digs in at us.
    oh, and ask your neighbors if any self respecting redneck would urinate on his own truck?
    i thought not. details baby, the devil is in the details.

    • I agree. No self-respecting redneck would urinate on his truck. But you never struck me as self-respecting.

  3. Joan Begs

    Well done! I also agree with Anna.

  4. The double entendres in this are superb Nora. You have certainly hit your stride. And in total agreeance with Anna.

    I wonder though – was Richard wandering around, rather blatantly with one shoe on and one shoe off? That would seem rather obvious would it not?

    Nice poke at Seldom! You rock :)

    • Superb eye for detail, Jodi! Both for picking up on the double entendres as well as for noticing the incongruity of Richard wandering around outside with one shoe!

      I originally intended to use that image to conclude the section but the word count didn’t allow me. I’ll have to include it next time.

      • Nora, when I’m not writing non-fiction articles, or my own fiction, I’m working as an editor and publisher – thus the savvy eye for all kinds of intracies in the story. I can’t wait to see how Richard explains away his one shoe on and one shoe off – diddle diddle dumpling my son John – oops I mean Richard!

        Sorry – couldn’t help that. Have had that rhyme going round in my head since I read your piece.

        The funny thing being Nora – I was whole heartedly intending on giving you my elimination vote this round (prior to reading), because this is so not the style of writing I would normally read or enjoy – but you suckered me in again. This is so slick and intelligently written. I can’t help but like it. And I admire the manner in which your writing has improved and matured over the course of the contest.

        Keep it up!

        • The curious thing is that had I been in your position I very well may have voted myself off long ago. This kind of writing was never my cup of tea either but as you can see I have been increasingly taking devilish delight in the possibilities for ironic innuendo that this genre creates. What remains to be seen is what consequences I may suffer for this in December!

  5. Wow! Nora, could I borrow that final scene for a film? I noticed that i had my hand over my mouth the whole time I was reading this section.
    Well done lady! Can’t wait to see how it develops!

  6. Jay

    Ooh, sex *and* violence. Great visuals, Nora. I’m still enthralled.

  7. I’m pleased to see you both enjoyed it. One small thing Vasia: I’d appreciate it if you referred to me as “Nora” not “lady.” As for the film rights, you have the green light from me, but perhaps you should also talk to Seldom Seen.

  8. My apologies Nora – how do you feel about “woman” – just curious…Afraid to approach Seldom Seen on this one…Don’t want to pick any bones with that one!

    • Vasia, let me ask you, if I were to refer to you as “girl” or “child” would you be indifferent to it? Perhaps I’m just old fashioned but I find the casual use of these terms of endearment at best discomforting and at worst offensive.

  9. Eros

    Nora, I just have one quick question. Is the genre your writing in romance or erotica? I thought in the begining that it was romance but now you seem to be more in the bi-sexual erotica category. I am only asking for clarification so I can know which mind set I should be reading this from. Love, Eros

    • This is an excellent question, Eros. I have been asking this myself recently. However, I am not fully acquainted with all of these genres so I’m not in a position to answer it. As you say, it began as romance but I suppose it now overlaps with other genres. At this point I’m mostly writing whatever comes into my head, especially whatever is most outrageous. Perhaps you remember me mentioning this earlier, but my primary motivation is to vindicate myself and get back at a friend of my husband’s who called me prudish several months ago. It may not be the most noble of writerly intentions but it does goad me on so which makes for marvelous inspiration!

  10. I like this more when you veer toward erotica — I see the humor better and it feels more like a parody. Most of the time it really reads like romance to me, without much parody.

    • Kaylie, you are not the only one who feels this way. Other readers appear to also enjoy the erotic parody more than the romance. Assuming all goes well in the vote, I would do well to take this into account for the next round.

  11. tetra

    “His trembling nostrils explored the buttery cob before his teeth crunched ecstatically into it, spurting juices over Catherine’s startled face.”

    this isnt parody. erotica was never this good. its on another level, which has me worried. you may have hit on a winning formula Nora. Imagine writing this stuff for the rest of your writerly existence. hehe

    • Good gracious, it’s rather shocking to read my writing quoted outside of any context. Frankly, I abhor the thought that all of my writing existence might be limited to the romance genre but I do appreciate your flattering words.

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