Sep 20, 2009 by

Fourth Fiction Challenge 5Round 5 Challenge: Incorporate this image into your next passage of no more than 500 words. You can interpret this challenge as you see fit.

*click on the thumbnail to see a larger image

Frank’s local contact drove him to Limassol Divisional Police Headquarters. It was mid-August and the desert heat was ball-dripping. No wonder the region was so barbaric and backwards. Frank wouldn’t want to be a productive member of society either if his gonads were swinging at his knees all summer. If he were a lesser man and had grown up in a climate like this he’d probably be strapping bombs to himself too.

As he expected, the police station was a shithole. He counted seven cockroaches. And that wasn’t counting the cops. He’d have the department FedEx them a gift pack of Raid and a police manual.

“Welcome, Mr. Frank,” the police commissioner said in nervous broken English. Like other Middle Easterners the Cyprian was short, dark, hairy, sweaty and reeked of cheap cologne and stale body odor.

“We’re honored to have a professional like you on our island,” he continued, extending a hairy hand and flashing yellow, stained teeth. The commissioner winced under Frank’s firm handshake. “Unfortunately there has been an accident…”

Frank didn’t flinch. When it came to third world police forces he always assumed a fuck-up.

“You see the—.”

“—man who hung the dog has killed himself,” Frank said, completing his sentence.

The commissioner stared at him with the awed stupefaction primitives have in the presence of individuals from more advanced societies. “But how could you have known about Stavros?” he stammered.

“I didn’t get my job by the luck of the die,” Frank replied. “Let’s not waste time. Show me his photo.”

The commissioner snapped his fingers at one of his lackeys, who lumbered over with a photograph.

“Take your time,” Frank said dryly, snatching the photo. “It’s not like the civilized world is at stake or anything.” A cross-eyed big-nosed Germanic-looking asshole stared out from the printout. “You call this a goddamn Cyprian?”

The police commissioner glanced down at the photo and then took it back, reddening. He began yelling in his guttural language at his subordinates, who began flipping moronically through the photo images.

“Forget it,” Frank said, with a dismissive wave. “Tell them to return to their coffee and backgammon. Take me to the hooker. If she’s still standing after your boys’ interview, that is.”

The commissioner began to snigger but stopped upon seeing Frank’s sober face. He cleared his throat. “Come with me, sir.”

The Ukrainian girl was sitting on the cell bed in her lingerie. A used condom was draped carelessly over the edge of the corner trashcan. The swine. They didn’t even know how to clean up after themselves.

She was a hot little slut. Hourglass figure, high cheekbones, shoulder-length, strawberry-blonde hair. A short-term investment with a big payoff.

“What’s your name?” he asked her.


“Sure it is. And my name’s Omar.” Frank turned to the commissioner. “What’s her name?”


Frank chortled. “Good name for a whore.” He motioned to the door. “You can go now. I’ll be questioning Coco in private.”

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  1. highly disturbing, insulting, and just plain…. wrong. But, can’t really say I want to vote you off because despite the nastiness of it all, I do want to see where it goes next (and to be honest, how it ends).

  2. Feeling sick and that it’s a little (OK a whole lot) wrong these two stories have crossed. Coco is going to have the last laugh though – given you named her and not Ivana. I don’t think you’ll out survive this Tuck. You picked the wrong chick diss on.

    • You know what I say, “He who laughs first laughs best.”

      • Which means Coco must be having a mighty fine “laugh” right about now.

        But who knows really. As they say “It’s not all over until the fat lady sings” and she’s not even ready to bust a note yet.

  3. tetra

    I like my detectives hard boiled so thumbs up you wicked SOB. Leave morality to the hypocrites and the whiners.

  4. This just seems incredibly juvenile, from the lazy stereotyping of anyone or anything not American, to the inclusion of Coco as a character (though to be honest, even naming her Ivana would have seemed desperate). This reads like the flailing of a desperate man, trying to scrabble some votes together by riffing (and not well) off probably the most popular story in the competition. You have destroyed what little consistent reality your story had Tuck with this constant need to draw in comments and other contestants into your story.

  5. Ugh. What Dan said. It could have been interesting if you’d just used the name “Ivana” instead of Coco – but even then, probably not. And, seriously, I don’t want to know what’s going to happen next…

    • Oh don’t be such a sensitive little star. Of course you want to know what’s going to happen next. Admit it. Seriously…

  6. The flailing of a desperate man trying to scrabble votes together? Danny, you champion of the world, if I cared that much about staying around I’d be asskissing you and the other Guardians of Toothless Inoffensive Fiction who are grinding their fillings away trying to vote me off. I just can’t help myself from biting the hand that feeds me. Don’t blame me. The food sucks.

    Annabones appears to be the only one of the “Fab Four” Twittertwatti who isn’t voting me off. Evidence of murderous hostility from the other three fabulous camps as follows:

    1) Dan:
    His comment above speaks for itself.

    2) Chris:
    “There is nothing to empathize or relate to with Tucks protag and I can’t abide hate speech. His angst is so forced.”

    “He could have accomplished the same goal if he typed ‘Hey everyone! Look at me’ over and over till he reached his word count”

    3) Jodi:
    “messing with and adding Coco’s name to his installment was the last straw for me.”

    Et tu Jodi? Come come now. Even Coco isn’t as huffed up about it as you are.

    Tweet tweet. love, Tuck

    P.S. Seldom Seen, you’re such a cowardly jerk. At least that’s what I read:
    “Agreed. He’s a baby seeking attention. I blasted a commenter on Olof’s thread, seldom seen. A jerk hiding behind a fake name.”

    Don’t mind me. I’m just trying to draw attention to myself. Wah Wah wah… would someone hurry up and give me a goddamn pacifier?

    • Speaking for me personally, I am less offended by your work than I am bored. Tuck, if I want to read work with teeth, there are plenty of authors writing truly controversial and thought-provoking stuff out there. Your work is more the toothless gumming of hackneyed plots and tired racial stereotypes.

      The fact that there is a consensus of opinion forming about your work should tell you something.

    • Wow. Tuck seems to have spent a ludicrous amount of time stalking FourthFiction followers on Twitter!?

      • Now, now. Don’t be such a jealous little star. Okay, I got your little message. I’ll go look at your little Twitter page too…

  7. Tuck, your story repulses me, and you’re doing a great job in securing the petty reputation of reality entertainment. The people from Cyprus in contemporary society are referred to as “Cypriots” although Cyprian is also right if you want to imply the definitions below (which seem appropriate)

    Cyp·ri·an (spr-n)
    1. Of or relating to Cyprus; Cypriot.
    a. Of or relating to the ancient worship of Aphrodite on Cyprus.
    b. Licentious; wanton.

    2. also cyprian
    a. A wanton person.
    b. A prostitute.

  8. Auggie

    jodi, tuck has more talent (not to mention a stronger command of the language) than coco. danny, you little bitch, grow a spine. this is about writing talent, not your personal views of the characters. you too, vasia, it’s not about your opinion of the character’s views. it’s about the talent of the author. here, tuck did an amazing job of weaving the stories together. he even managed to dis the police.

    • Auggie, if this competition was about writing talent alone, Fido would still be with us. And regards this competition not being about the reader’s personal view of the characters, since when do people keep reading stories about characters they find dull or unsympathetic.

      Tuck’s biggest failing has been that, after all the pre-competition bluster, all we have had from him is a poorly plotted thriller littered with thinly veiled diatribes against all things un-American. Depending on how seriously you take his work, t worst it’s offensive at best just boring. The fact that you think his is the voice of a ‘talent’ says a lot about you. Hell, even Tuck admits his work ain’t great.

      And well played on the name calling, the last defence of the terminally wrong.

      • If you’re so bored why write so many comments? Shouldn’t you have better things to read?

        Fight on, Auggie. They’re just pissed you came in and spoiled their Kumbaya circle jerk.

        • ‘If you’re so bored why are you writing so many comments? Shouldn’t you have better things to be reading?’

          You put yourself out here in the competition. Can’t really complain when people comment.

          The problem here is folk taking a criticism of the work personally. Auggie even goes so far as to take the criticism of his favourite #4thfiction writer personally. First thing a writer needs to do when letting work loose on the world is learn how to deal with rejection.

          • I’m not complaining about your comments. I enjoy them. You’re the one griping about my writing. All I was saying is, why keep reading it and commenting upon it? Admit it. Deep down you like reading my stuff…
            Also, maybe you should spend less time on Twitter. All I’m saying is that using #4thfiction in casual conversation is the sign of a problem. You should seek out help, Dan. I’m just a friend who cares.
            One final thing. I thrive on rejection. It’s acceptance that scares me.

  9. Hooray Dan! Eloquently put.

  10. Still no video? Tsk tsk Host. I guess I’ll just have to watch reruns of 24. I hear I’m a big fan…

  11. tetra

    Tuck ’em mate. You should blog the rest of the story somewhere because there are interesting places it can go. I hear the people who live in Limassol Heights are a pretty wild and wacky bunch (not that this separates them much from the sea gazers). The Middle Eastern Chandler with gonads. The hostility you inspired has led to a ritual castration. Great reality stuff and it could also be Coco’s charm working against you. Down with moralising in fiction. It looks like Mary Whitehouse has brainwashed a generation of minds; the fabric of the writing art is being twisted into a good shepherd sermon. And you could have been the antidote…

  12. Eros

    So Tuck I am glad to see that you are still around so that I can say this to you. The use of the word “faggy” is wrong and you know it but I will give you a lesson on it any way. Faggy slang from Faggot =”a bundle of sticks and branches bound together”. Do you have any idea why they call homosexuals that, No while I will tell you. It is because during the Burning Times when they would burn a witch at the stake they would take the men and women thought to be homosexual and tie them up and add them to the pier of green wood. They did this to slow the fire and increase the suffering of the witch. So not only did these innocent people get to slowly burn to death, they also got to know that they were adding to the pain of another innocent person. So anytime you call someone a fag, faggy, faggot, or anything like it you are wishing the same fate on them. Now I know that you are a SOB, but I don’t even think that you a modern human would wish such a fate on anyone, so please remember what I have told you when get that urge to call someone those names.

    Now to go on about your little Sodom and Gomorrah comment. These two ancient city were not destroyed because of homosexuality, they were destroyed because of rampant promiscuity and overwhelming lust. If you don’t think so just go back and read those books again with an open mind, forgetting the health codes of an antiquated civilization bent on populating the world and that knew nothing about germs or their true means of spreading, you will see what I mean.

    On a personal note I am sorry that you were voted off. I think that you have a great talent for imaginary and you could do great things with it if you would stop trying to piss people off with it. I hope that being on here has shown you that no attention is better then bad attention. I also hope that you have a great life and find peace and happiness. If you want to write me after December I will sent an email address to the host that he can give you.

    Love, Eros

  13. All is not hopeless for Fourth Fuction when there’s warriors like Tetra, Auggie and Annabones commenting. Even you Eros, you goddam walking history book. I can’t say I’ve ever yawned reading anything you’ve written. If I ever have a change of heart and decide to become a bleeding heart liberal I’ll email you and maybe we can go door to door handing out daisies and pamphlets on Sodom and Gomorrah. Just don’t even think about walking behind me.

  14. Eros

    Tuck, Thank you for your offer of help but I don’t go door to door. People just wonder into my life. As for walking behind you, I have a little quote to answer that.

    Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead.
    Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow.
    Walk beside me; that we may be as one.
    ~Native American Proverb

    This is what a dear friend told me once and I tell my friends now. It ends that issue. What make you think that you would have to be a “bleeding heart liberal” to be my friend. I have friends from all walks of life, some of them even call themselves “right wing conservative nut-jobs”. :) Love, Eros

    • Phew. Pass the peace pipe. For a second there I thought you were going to quote from Nora’s last bedroom scene.

  15. This is where I say how much fun it was to be part of Fourth Fiction and how it was an amazing experience and the rest of that reality show drama. I’ve flipped through the tube before. I know how it goes.

    The worst thing about going is that I’ve spent so much time and effort cultivating enemies. Now after all that hard work, I’m losing them. I hope I’ve left you with warm fuzzy feelings of animosity. I tried in my farewell, which I’m about to submit, to ensure you’ll still have the pitchforks out in December.

    Thanks to the Host. But you really should do something about your picture that shows up by your comments. I know you want to present yourself like this dashing side-glancing journalist who’s thinking about important bullshit and what have you. Just next time, take it easy on the photo editing. I know you were aiming for the thoughtful Don Juan look but it came out radioactive. Just looking out for you.

    Turns out the fellow with the most guts was Eros. I went medieval on his ass and it didn’t faze him. He didn’t throw any fits or join the manhunt. He kept his cool and took it all in stride. I kicked him in the balls and still he signed off with love every time. That takes some tough goddamn balls. So Blackjack5555 or Eros or whoever the hell you are, I salute you.

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